Dear Comrade,

As you are aware, communism has recently been disavowed as our public political philosophy. The Nomenclative Purification Committee, a subgroup working on behalf of the Central Church of the Narrative Administrative Committee, has been debating a suitable replacement word for the salutation given in this very letter. It is, in fact, the last time it will be used in any communication by I or our fellow Narrativists; written or verbal.

Unfortunately, by using it in the salutation above, I have already violated Directive 15, subparagraph 1,703 D. See below.

The NPC has arrived at an impasse over the replacement term. It seems that half (the smart half) want to use the word Peerkin. This term is gender-neutral, stresses equity, and provides a familial tone that is of comfort to many. As you know, Narrativists are often threatened by their own families before and after they join our church.

The other half, who tend to be among our lower, less-enlightened ranks, insist that the term Mobling be used. This word is not only more descriptive, its adherents claim, but contains “truth”. “Truth” is problematic. In fact, we hold no truths. Rather, our truths change to fit The Narrative. You’d think they’d be capable of reading the sign to that effect above the sanctuary door. Several ridiculous third and fourth parties continue to lobby for alternative language choices, not that anyone is going to listen to them.

What is your say on this matter, my fellow Peerkin? Or should it be fellow Mobling? Please submit your response to the NPC post-haste.

I must now request absolution. I addressed you using the word right-wing opponents have always used to refer to one another, signalling their fascist in-group preferences: comrade. The Fairness and Forgiveness Committee, a subgroup working on behalf of the Central Church of the Narrative Administrative Action Committee, has passed judgment.

I am to proceed immediately to the nearest Starbucks, order a mondo-size Blonde Vanilla Bean Coconutmilk Latte, and imbibe the concoction in their public restroom. Should I survive, which seems unlikely, I will be welcomed back into the good graces of the Church.

Should I never see you again, please remember my final words: All Hail the Narrative!