Kill the Canard

We spend an inordinate amount of time picking on Hillary Clinton in our comic pages, so we decided to take the day off to offer our progressive friends some heartfelt advice as the campaign for the presidency moves forward.

Well, half the day off.

Trump equals Hitler. It’s a canard. It’s old. It’s tired. Nobody believes it, because they don’t know who Hitler was. It was laughable when Mitt Romney was Hitler in 2012. John McCain made a terrible Hitler. The Hitler theme struck home and was probably best utilized against Bush II in 2000 and 2004. Bob Dole took a turn being Hitler in 1996, because it was his turn. Bush I was Hitler, too. That takes us back, of course, to the original Hitler: Ronald Reagan.

Get the picture yet? The comparison has lost all meaning because it has been used so often, like a pair of Payless shoes that disintegrate after too many nights out.

This is showing in the polls, too. Hillary has let a 15 point lead shrink to nothing, because everybody supporting her claims Trump is Hitler, and everybody else laughs. There is still a chance to turn it around, but she has to start ASAP. In fact, tomorrow’s tirade against the alt-right is the perfect chance to start a new Trump/Evil comparison. One that is new and fresh and will have everybody talking.

Who was “Hitler” before Hitler was Hitler? A man named Vlad Tepes, the Prince of Wallachia. Tepes was born in 1431 in the Balkans and rose to power in 1456, a peaceful time when the Ottoman Empire was sending innocent migrants into the Balkans to spread the peace and understanding of Allah to the grateful inhabitants. Vlad viciously took power and not only built a wall of castles, but lined them with the impaled bodies of the Ottomans, who’d done absolutely nothing to deserve their horrible fate. Assuming you believe Wikipedia, that is.

You might know Tepes better as Vlad the Impaler, or more recently as the persona of Count Dracula. A fresh comparison. A truly scary predecessor. Trump is Dracula. It plays into a whole new narrative which fits extremely well with the “facts” on the ground and the progressive agenda.

Hillary has given us her word that she is the epitome of health and well-being. Her army of handlers, assistants, and doctors assure us of the same thing. She even opened a pickle jar on live, pre-recorded television, much to the delight and amazement of the audience who believed Hillary has downstairs staff that handle that kind of thing. They also suspected her arm might tear off and reveal a couple of tentacles waving about in a comical but threatening manner. It is a sad thing when the circus fails to deliver.

Donald Trump appears young in comparison, despite the fact that they are virtually the same age! This is because he is a vampire. It it the only thing that makes sense. Do vampires have unnaturally long lives and appear in perfect health because they drink the blood of innocents? Yes. Do vampires surround themselves with supermodel brides and decorative women, preferably in floaty negligées? Yes. Do vampires save millions of campaign dollars because they can transform into a bat instead of taking a private jet to their next speech or fundraiser? Yes. You can scarcely find a picture of President Obama without a mirror nearby. Have you seen pictures of Trump preening over his reflection? No.

Conclusion: Obama is not a vampire. Trump is.

Melania and Ivanka Trump are almost beyond criticism because everything progressives say about them can be interpreted as “body shaming.” Strategic error with that whole thing, guys, but the vampire angle provides the escape route to substantive, accurate, and scary personal attacks against them. Accusing Melania Trump of sucking the life forces from innocent victims in order to maintain her current form doesn’t constitute body shaming in any way. Besides, what is she supposed to do? Deny it? Everybody knows you can’t trust a vampire to speak the truth!

Let’s consider prominent Trump supporters like Milo Yiannopoulos, Vox Day, and Mike Cernovich. Obviously they’ve been bitten and transformed into highly-effective sycophants with unnatural intelligence, talent, and good looks. It isn’t their fault, the narrative should play, because Trump is just that evil. This provides a pathway to a cease-fire with them that you should pray they will take. Sometimes its better to ignore the knight in order to capture the king. That’s a chess reference. Wikipedia gives a decent overview if you can handle the “white pieces are racist” parts.

Pardon me, I forgot my audience. Of course white chess pieces are racist.

Vlad Tepes lived in the 1400s. That’s practically the crusade era. The narrative writes itself. Not only is Donald Trump keeping immigrants from the churches they so desperately want to join with his big wall, but he is also a crusader who will cross the Rio Grande on the night of his inauguration with an army of undead voters he has personally raised as vampires to slay these same immigrants. Scott Adams claims fear is the greatest motivator when it comes to selecting our politicians. Certainly the Trump is Dracula narrative is more terrifying than any Hitler comparison ever was.

Progressives can call upon the cadre of celebrities they own to create powerful new vampire-repelling costumes and fashion trends. If you start tomorrow, the audience at the September 26 debate will be adorned with garlic hair braids, necklaces, and belts. If Hillary is wearing a Van Helsing-type wooden stake bandoleer and carrying a bottle of holy water blessed by the Pope himself, nobody will be writing about the curtain-like outfits she usually wears. She’ll be Mrs. C, Vampire Slayer. The kids will love it, and while they’re standing in line to get her autograph the rest of your team can be filling out ballots in their name.

This theme plays well going into the election end-game, too. Come Halloween, would you rather have people discussing the Trump/Dracula thing or a further 35% Obamacare premium increase? Halloween is just a week before the election, and many voters will have been defrauded in vote-by-mail schemes at that point. Give them every reason to think Trump is truly scary via the Trump is Dracula narrative so they won’t raise a fuss about their vote being cast for Hillary.

Embrace this new narrative, progressives. It’s the only chance Hillary has.

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The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop — tempestinateardrop.com

No Man’s Sky

I admit it. I caved.

The only thing I knew about No Man’s Sky, the new space exploration/survival/action game from Hello Games, was that it was pre-selling in the number one place on Steam for quite some time, despite its hefty $60 price tag. It also generated a solar-system-sized bucket of controversy. Now,  I’m an “explorer” player-type and the best space sim I’ve played was X3: Terran Conflict. Could No Man’s Sky measure up?

So, yeah: I opened the wallet for this one. Codex & Glyph joined me as we formed our own Lost in Space clan and tried to answer the great question of our time: why does the internet hate this game so darn much? Continue reading