Salutations feeble humans. I, The Germ, have been tasked with writing a little about myself. You may bask in the glory of my words.

They're really not tentacles you know, they're exoflagellates.First, the physical differences between us. I am equipped with six totally flexible and completely prehensile appendages. You have two relatively inflexible monkey-like limbs. I carry three assistants with me at all times, while my three remaining limbs shovel Doritos down my gullet by the bucket. Chewing: optional. My superior digestive system will extract nutrients 500% faster than your own.

Your simian brains are filled with useless emotions like optimism, trust, and empathy. Mine is optimized to provide only devious hatred, which serves me well when carrying out my monstrous schemes. This is why I write superior books. This is why I’m the planner at CHORF HQ. This is why I win, and you should abandon all hope when opposing me.

I’m sure some of you reading this are thinking, “Oh come on, he’s really just a big plushy with cute hand puppets who talks a big game. Just get him back on the meds and he’d really be a fun guy to invite to a poker game.” You would be wrong. Once my Virtual Internet Retributive Tentacle is perfected, I will demonstrate just how wrong you are.

Have fun reading stupid cartoons on the internet when at any time a tentacle might sweep forth from your monitor, steal your Cheetos, and deliver an atomic wedgie.