L.A.W.F.U.L. Good: Scary Words

I say it: spider. You now have shivery tinkles down spine, right? Nothing more scary than web-making hairy-legged octopeds. Worst part is egg-laying in ear. What? You think they no make eggs there? Spiders so terrify that children’s show only make them with six legs: 25% less creepy like this.

Orthodontist scary to both childrens and parents. Imagine being child with mother who is orthodontist. Funny Dad say in Silence of Lambs voice, “The Orthodontist will put you to bed, precious one.” Is truly chilling. Also: giant bills coming due for straighter teeth.

Of course, there also is middle school. Many, many reasons: cannot give all. School lunch begins life as gourmet food made by capitalists for fair price. Then “prepared” by First Lady for childrens. She extract nutrients, taste, and soul in super-secret process. Almost like digested first before goes on plate. Yum! Then comes transgender anti-bullying seminar. Classes on how girl can sew little balls into underpants so everyone think she is boy. Why you do this? Must be Halloween, scariest time of year.

Now, all these words scariest than things like sexist, racist, homophobe. These words not scary, no longer. They mean, “We no like you. You bad person.” Hardly chilling.

I am wrong. Election time is scariest time. And no word more truly, utterly terrify us than this one: Republican.

So stop being scaredy-pants of internet horror words. They not so bad.

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