How a Man Does Science

The Schmidt Sting Pain Index measures how much the sting of various insects will hurt. If you are ever captured by a supervillain and given a choice between escaping thru the tunnel guarded by Mud Daubers or the tunnel guarded by Paper Wasps, this knowledge will be helpful.You may also find it useful when dropping a hive into the villains’ lair to avoid being caught in the first place.

Michael L. Smith, Scientist, noticed that whereas the index was useful for relative sting pain, it did not answer the question about which body part might suffer the most when stung. Mr. Smith devised an experiment to remedy that situation, and unlike your average, sane scientist, did not take the obvious step of finding a desperate grad student “volunteer”. Smith stepped up and used his *own body* in the testing.

Details are sketchy. Let’s just say that Smith was thorough in his investigation. Neck? Nostril? Nipple? Donger? Yes, Yes, Yes, and Mommy! (Yes). What can we conclude from this? That Michael L. Smith is a Science Stud. He even won an Ig Noble award for his efforts. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Man does Science!

How a Feminist Does Science

Space menses. It happens. Its no different than getting it on Earth. Of course, NASA scientists didn’t always know this. Not just anyone can earn their space wings: It takes years of expensive and exhaustive training. NASA tries to be in the business of keeping it’s astronauts alive. In 1971, just a couple of years after the moon landing and twelve years before the first American female astronaut rode a rocket into space, they asked a bunch of questions about whether this might be a life-threatening occurrence.

Liquids, solids, and jello-like substances behave differently in zero gravity than they do on Earth. Speculation ran wild when the scientists were discussing these inconvenient facts, including the possibility that blood might back up into the plumbing of their female astronauts, seriously injuring or possibly even killing them. NASA should have spent a cycle or two on contingency planning.

Of course, this concept gave the feminists at The Mary Sue brain cramps as soon as they found out about it. It is no different than getting it on Earth, the article says, But that didn’t stop decades of scientists from speculating about what might go wrong if anyone ever dared to test that out. Sexism! Misogyny! Astronauts  already take on a lot of risks by going into space; they’re probably signing a lot of waivers about ‘concerns’ as it is.

So, according to feminists 1) A waiver is a contingency plan, 2) It is sexist to speculate about potential hazards a female NASA astronaut might face, and 3) NASA is actually in the business of time travel, because they should have known information only learned in the ’80s back in 1971.

I’m not padding the facts: Feminists should not be allowed near space stations. Period.