Halloween is upon us, so today I’ll be examining classic horror monsters to determine which political party they would vote for, and I’ll be using idle speculation and hyperbole to do it. For our readers outside the United States, we have two political parties to choose from: Democrats and Republicans. None of the monsters would throw their vote away on a third party.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon is a bipedal fish/human creature best known for inhabiting swamps and dragging helpless debutantes into their bog hovels. I’m sure they want these women to either make them sandwiches or treat their ichthian fungal problems. Of course they have ichthian fungal problems. They live by themselves in a lagoon with no women. This is basically the dream of every MGTOW. Something has to explain their grumpy attitude, and fungus is the only family-friendly explanation I can come up with.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon is obviously concerned about environmental issues but they are mainly anti-feminist. This leaves them with the Republican party for their political home.
The Wolfman is the precursor to all the girly werewolves of the modern era. Apparently a true half-man half-wolf creature running about the forests and eating hapless campers was just too edgy for the modern world. You would think the environment would be high up on his list of concerns, but gun-control and health care are his main troubles. Treating regular gun shot wounds is difficult, colloidal silver complicates the issues ten-fold. That sounds expensive, and campers are not known for carrying large wads of cash. Free healthcare and no guns? Yayness! Clearly the Wolfman is a Democrat.
Now we come to everyone’s favorite dinosaur-like creature: Godzilla. Godzilla has one big issue: stomping cities flat. Nobody is quite sure why, but we always celebrate his achievements. I often get telemarketers who offer free trips to enticing vacation destinations. Maybe one can set ol’ ‘zilla up with tickets to Washington DC?
You’d think his war on urban blight would make him a natural fit for the Democratic party, but you’d think wrong. Godzilla only likes stomping on fresh, pristine cities. We all learned that from hours on end in SimCity. Didn’t Detroit and Chicago, typical Democrat strongholds, already have visits from the crotchety old lizard? More Republicans means more fun buildings to trample.
The Terminator was a terrifying man-killing robot from the future in the guise of Arnold Schwarzenegger. The opening scenes featured a badass vehicle driving over piles of human skulls, aka a Progressives’ Paradise. Gun-free zones would aid greatly in making this vision a reality. You’d think Democrat would be the obvious choice here.
On the other hand, the high-surveillance/drone enforced police state that Republicans favor, for our own good you understand, would make Republican the obvious choice.
This one is a tough call, but the Republicans are doing the heavy lifting so Skynet can take over in the ’30s. The 2030s. It feels weird to be writing that. Besides, any Terminator worthy of the name will simply rip the “gun-free zone” sign off the door: Problem. Solved.
Next up are good old-fashioned witches. Who are evil. We aren’t talking about modern, grandmotherly types featured in Harry Potter, but the kind that lure children into the forest with their attractive-nuisance, candy-cane houses. Upon entry, an oven without a self-cleaning feature is used to get some free manual labor performed before dinner. Nobody knows the witch’s true motivation. Some think they gazed too deeply into the patriarchy; others think that the witches are simply trying to stretch their social security dollars in the face of soaring beef prices. Whatever explanation you hold to, they clearly vote Democrat. You can include a host of monsters in this category: Harpies, Medusae, Sirens and probably more.
Vlad Tepes, better known as Count Dracula, is the progenitor of vampiric legends. He built schools and roads in his home country of Wallachia back in the fifteenth century. He was also anti-immigration, and would write demotivating slogans on bared migrant chests before hanging them on signposts along the roads. Some say a wall might have been better. Walls are a nice deterrent, but nothing beats the completely-obvious violators will be prosecuted message spelled out in freshly-impaled corpses. Neither party is anti-immigration, but Republicans pay it lip service during election years. That is close enough for Dracula.
Zombies, skeletons, ghosts, and other undead are raised in order to vote Democrat. Look at the voting results in major metropolitan areas, where voter registration numbers are much smaller than votes cast. The Dead traditionally vote the big D. Republicans don’t do this. They would be caught, excoriated by the press, and have the full force of the law thrown at them. Along with all those marble ten commandment monuments and heavy wooden crosses our courts have confiscated over the last decade.
Mind-flayers, or Illithids in l33t Dungeons & Dragons speech, are evil humanoid cryptids with squid heads. They drop on helpless dungeon delvers from above and suck out their brains. If you’ll be adventuring where mind-flayers are known to hang out, wear a heavy helmet and make your brain look small. My thief used to wear a Steel Helm of Int -5. Smartish.
In reality, illithids hate all humans and would seek the path of maximum destruction in their voting choices. I’m convinced they’d vote for the incumbent, regardless of political party.
There are many other classic Halloween monsters we could talk about, and I’m sure some of my choices will be controversial. So go wild in the comments! And somebody inform Larry Correia, author of the Monster Hunter International series and expert on all things Monster, to see if he’ll lend his expertise.