Christmastime is always stressful because finding meaningful gifts at The Dollar Store is too darn difficult. But not this year. Gwyneth Paltrow and I are teaming up to showcase unique and affordable presents. Gwyneth (see, three sentences in and we are already on a  first-name basis) has done the heavy lifting and compiled the list on her website, goop. I’ve combed through and picked the ones I thought would interest Tempest in a Teardrop readers the most.

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Burning incense brings to mind fantasy magic shoppes and sultry fortune-teller tents. Now you can add poached eggs to that list with the Censer Incense Burner (Apparatus, $820). Comes with it’s own incense, but I’d just toss in a piece of bacon and enjoy.

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Purified water is all the rage. True survivalists would crush a Kingsford briquette, add water, and shake until safe. The chalky aftertaste says: This is being alive!  Less-dedicated people use this Coal Bottle & Kishu Binchotan (AHAlife, $155) for the same result. It might be the most useful item on the list, depending on where you source your water.

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The Apparatus Studio Shift Cup & Saucer (Garde, $340) is perfect for the minimalist tea drinker in your life. It is currently on sale in a two-for-one deal. Give a friend the set, or keep one for yourself. We won’t judge. Much.

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These Bavarian Gnome Crayons (Amazon, $9.99) are as charming as the little ones you gift them to. Even tastier than normal crayons. Yum!

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The Wolfum Olga Teepee (Wolfum, $325) provides a safe space for either you or your tiny tots. The fabric is silk interwoven with unicorn hair. You can add to the fun by giving the kiddies a lecture on cultural appropriation while they hang out and develop their “white guilt” complex.

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These gorgeous Irene-Neuwirth Mixed-Gemstone Triple-Drop Earrings (Barneys Chicago, $8400) will deliver that nostalgic 2008 feeling all over again after the first one is lost. Both ‘pink’ and ‘extremely hyphenated’ are ‘in’ right now, along with single quotes. Give ’em to someone who prides themselves on being trendy.

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Sometimes you just don’t know what the date is. The average person would check their cell phone, but why be selfish and keep this information to yourself? With the Naomi Gray Date Necklace (Iconery, $575) you can wear it right where folks want to see it: on your chest. This is a great gift because it takes the guesswork away from what they need for the next 364 Christmases. Just remember to leave the year off.

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The classic argument erupts every so often among those who share bathroom space: squeeze from the end or the middle? Buy another vote for your side with the Cedes Milano Toothpaste Squeezer (Wallpaper Store, $244), or solve the problem forever by purchasing two.

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The Vintage Ball & Chain (Blackman Cruz, $1500) has more uses than you’d think. Hang it like mistletoe. Use it for cartoon antics. Give your parental declaration: Present opening begins at 9:00am on Christmas morning some teeth. What you do with your Vintage Ball & Chain is between you and your victim.

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The Devi Steamer (Vibrant Souls, $55) is used to give your yoni a thorough cleaning. At face value, this seems like a terrible gift. After all, the recipient must have a Tesla to go with it. Apparently all goop readers do. I’m not sure what part of the engine contains the ‘yoni’ but presumably this information can be found in the Tesla vehicle guide.

Normally, steam cleaning an engine is a bad idea. It tends to hide oil and fluid leaks which can be easily fixed if discovered early. Since the Tesla runs on good intentions and hubris, this isn’t a problem.

Extreme caution is warranted, however. Tesla vehicles tend to catch fire when the interior mechanics are exposed to water. That is why the steamer Gwyneth recommends is portable. Fully remove your yoni before steaming! Don’t take the shortcut and hold the steamer under the engine! You risk blowing up your car, which voids the warranty.

Wait… I’ve just been informed the Devi Steamer is meant for steaming… something else. Internet search… right… one sec… um…