CSI: DW – The Scene 5 Script

We intercepted a clip of the producer and director discussing the fifth scene in the pilot episode of CSI: DW. We thought you would enjoy this as it delves into the details behind the comics. The producer is Hildegarde Von Stuntner [Hilde]; the director is B. Heimer, [Heimer].

CSI: Dewberry Woods, Pilot, Scene 5

[Heimer] Scene is a meaningful conversation between the veteran detective and the rookie. Which suspects are innocent? Which might be guilty? Why? We’ve hooked ’em with the murder mystery; now some Enlightenment should be conveyed (see Scene 8). Great opportunity to highlight the plight of the disadvantaged in our society, too. Critics will eat this up!

[Heimer] We have three red herrings: Iago (asex), Connal O’Brangle (migrant), and Nancy Drewberry (feminist icon).

[Heimer] As an asex character, Iago gives us a chance to advance the plight of an entirely new gender, right down to the pronouns it will be insensitive to refer to it by. We’ll be sure to include heavy signaling to our target audience. The pilot has a lot of moving parts, but this one aspect has the best chance of going viral.

[Hilde] Pretty sure asex has been done; who can keep up with all the gendrification in society these days, right? We offend the wrong people on Tumblr and we’ll go viral all right, for all the wrong reasons!

[Heimer] Connal is an immigrant. Poor, disadvantaged, incapable of committing crimes. Audience will realize this right away. When detectives approach him, he is being threatened. I’m thinking we give the bear-thing extra a throwaway line.

“Pay us the money you owe us for getting you across the border, or your kid will have an unfortunate date with a peeler!”

[Heimer] Something like that, anyway. Audience is even more sympathetic to their plight. We’ll play the rookie up here, making him the good cop, vs. our veteran’s gruff, stuck-in-the-past interrogation.

[Hilde]  The bear can barely speak English. We’d have one immigrant threatening another: Not good. Besides, without some kind of setup or followup it feels… dangly. I’m NOT paying another actor. So with just the throwaway scene I don’t see how this works. The audience isn’t smart enough to get it without excessive hand-holding. Work the rookie/vet angle in somewhere else, though. That’s quality.

[Heimer] Nancy Drewberry is an intersectional feminist badly in need of more exposure. As a detective, we can get some mileage from her insights into the case. The audience is never going to believe she is guilty, but we can really bite in and impress that demographic. A mention on The Mary Sue is sure to bring in at least 100k eyeballs. Our detectives find her leaning over the body when they first show up, elbow-deep in blood. They have to arrest her, and she is hooked in organically. What do you think?

[Hilde] First scene is in the can; reshoot is not in the budget. Isn’t that a trope anyway? Fewer women identify as feminist each and every day. Pretty sure the only reason the movement is growing is due to men who are suddenly identifying as women. Besides, 100k eyeballs on The Mary Sue is 15k people and 35k cats.

[Heimer] Those men ARE women! We know because both feminists and journalists tell us so!

[Hilde] Whatever. Look, this whole scene is just awkward. Scrub it. Present the suspects in a montage as the detectives are conducting “due diligence” before finding the guilty party. Do we know who that is yet?

[Heimer] Our fourth suspect, JJ Gran’Pied, III.

[Hilde] Of course! I didn’t even see that coming! That’s why you’re the director and I’m the money! Ha ha!

[Heimer] I think it will surprise the audience, too. We’re going to have about 5 extra minutes if we montage this scene. What should I tell the writers?

[Hilde] Use it to browbeat Americans with how evil, vile, and guilty JJ is. It will be a good reminder to some of our audience, and reinforce what everyone else already knows. That’s what we call win-win in the industry!

[Heimer] Sounds good. See you on-set.

We hope you’ve enjoyed seeing a little of the behind-the-scenes-process television shows regularly undergo before being presented to the public. – Q

 

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