Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and it’s time to start planning your special evening now, gentlemen. I have three general pieces of advice:

1. Compliment your Valentine.
2. Be chivalrous; open doors, lend her your arm.
3. If she tries to rip out your jugular with her teeth, don’t hesitate to stake her. You did remember to bring a stake, right?

That’s odd, I can hear you asking, that third-point should be completely unnecessary. And, Why am I reading dating advice from a spork?

Ignore it at your peril, because Feminists have evolved to the next stage in their development. Vampire-Like Biting Attacks By Females Are On The Rise In New Zealand. When I wrote my review of Grim Dawn I never imagined we’d need to heed it’s lessons this soon.

These are not one-off incidents. One man had his jugular nicked and had to be rushed to the hospital, his shirt covered in blood and a large gaping gash on his neck. A woman lost part of her ear. The attacks took place in the Hawke’s Bay Region on the east coast of North Island. These two incidents were supposedly unrelated, but a third incident was reported a week earlier at Napier’s bar, where jugular-dude got his unexpected tracheotomy. No details were provided about this third attack.

Obviously, the Vampiric Coven is either incredibly hungry or recruiting new members. Ladies, you might want to be well-staked too, and refrain from hicky-making shenanigans until you confirm your man has a reflection.

Quite frankly, I’m shocked at this news story. This is the sort of thing you’d expect to happen in California, or possibly New York. To those of you who bet on New Zealand as the starting point for the apocalypse, congratulations! You beat Hillary-level delegate-winning odds. Enjoy your winnings, while you still can.

Speculation is running rampant on what started the Vampiric outbreak. Was it Fukushima radiation? It’s been promised for years. Did it finally show itself in New Zealand? Was it some freakish combination of the Southern Lights, a daring nighttime scuba diver, and Ringed Octopus ink? Perhaps the CIA worked with volunteer female Peshmerga snipers and their super-serum ran amok?

The most likely theory is that Vampirism is the next logical step in Feminist evolution. That’s what I’m going with, and I’ll cite Occam’s Razor for proof. Let’s face it. Feminists have gone so far around the loop with their tirades and protests and oppression claptrap that they had  to do something to regain their prominent place in the culture. They’ve been supplanted by men who claim to be women; men who are so good at it that they’ve won “Woman of the Year” awards and will soon be winning gold medals in female Olympic sports.

So which is more likely? Supernatural paranoid out-of-control government experiments, or Feminists trying to regain the narrative? Yeah, okay, now that I’ve typed that out I can see it going either way.

Astute readers are probably thinking, It’s New Zealand, an island country of no regard. This isn’t exactly a global-warming climate-change-level catastrophe. That’s because you missed President Obama addressing the issue.

Vampires are a gentle, peaceful, people who only want the freedom to run blood banks, as is their tradition. This task benefits society. Don’t believe the hype and hate behind fables such as drinking blood, shapeshifting into bats, or controlling weak minds. These wild exaggerations are part-and-parcel of an irresponsible and out-of-control alt-right press. Vampires, and in particular Vampiric women, have always been a part of the American Story. Was I the only one to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? Letting a few million immigrate is not only fair, but the right thing to do.

So enjoy your Valentine’s Day, gentlemen. Skip the chocolates. Get her a large bottle of Holy Water perfume. Insist she wear it, too. And if anyone is selling heart-shaped garlic necklaces on Etsy, can you send me a couple?