Tonight CNN will hold yet another political debate in the long string the American people demand from the applicants seeking to become President. It’s like The Bachelor, but more annoying.
The problem, of course, is that they aren’t debates at all. A real debate features a question being asked, responded to, and rebutted by the candidates themselves. The moderators ask questions and keep time. They don’t take sides, ambush, or allow candidates to talk over each other. What we get is a weird hybrid of press conference and reality television show, where everyone involved tries to eliminate Donald Trump.
Shouting at him won’t eliminate him from the island, people.
The arguments in these things boil down to three things: Your opponent is dumb, your opponent is old, or your opponent is crazy. Letting the candidates settle things with bat’leths would bring the most benefit to society, but they don’t let us do that. Reason 112 that Klingons are better than us. We should allow more of them to immigrate.
The next best thing would be to hurl the accusations in a more entertaining fashion. Americans might not be ready for the bar to be raised higher, however. We’re used to politispeak gobbledygook being shouted across the stage, or penis comparison spats (shame on you, Bernie and Hillary; everyone knows it’s Hillary).
As such, I’ve devised a game that everyone can play: Dumb, Old, or Crazy!
Note: Democrats throw the racism flag as often as they can, but our game is designed for both sides to play. Think of ‘racism’ as the designated hitter rule in baseball. We’ll ignore it, just like the National League.
As host, I’ll provide a helpful insult. Readers should analyze it and figure out if the target is being called dumb, old, or crazy. Some insults are pretty tricky!
Insult: Did it hurt when the aliens probed you?
Insult: The country will follow you, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Insult: I see another student has escaped from a university.
Insult: Your only contribution to the [Office currently held] was to be watered twice a week.
Insult: If your brains were taxed you’d get a total refund.
Insult: Do your Depends have a tin-foil lining?
Insult: Bad luck happens when you think.
Insult: Every time you open your mouth, a foot from a different lobbyist falls in.
Insult: The country needs more from their President than delusions of adequacy.
Insult: Will you have a fainting couch in the Oval Office?
Insult: You seem angry. Did someone drop a house on your sister?
Insult: You are more of a won’t-be than a has-been.
Insult: You’d know that if you read your email. [Then glare at her, daring her to admit she does, in fact, do email. I mean your opponent. Glare at your opponent.]
So how’d you all do? I’m not bothering to give out the answers. It’s a post about another political debate, and I got bored just thinking about it. Feel free to discuss in the comments, though, and I can referee if needed.