Problematic Easter Eggs

We get asked to do many oddball things as internet cartoonists. For example, the Frank Herbert Middle School of Kennewick, Washington asked our cast of Chorfs to be judges for the Easter Egg contest held in Mrs. Richardson’s sixth-grade class.

You won’t find “successful” comic strips like Dilbert or Sheldon asked to weigh in on this kind of stuff. They’ve moved up the ladder and get to be judges at beauty pageants and whiskey competitions. Someday, we hope to follow in their footsteps.

Meanwhile, here’s the transcript from the competition. We’d have uploaded the video to Youtube, but if South Park has taught us anything it’s that animation is super-expensive.

—- Transcript Begins —-

Jenni: “Hello. My name is Jenni D. Meanor and I’m an intern at the Mountain of Justice Blog in the Dewberry Woods. As an intern, I’m qualified to play host to our esteemed judges. Perhaps one day I’ll have enough experience to become a judge myself.”

Scalzi: “Don’t fret, intern. Anyone can be a judge on the internet.”

Jenni: “Our judges today are esteemed actor Scalzi/Bunnyboy, Machiavellian Super-Genius ‘The Germ’, treasured feminist Terri the Potato, and a special guest judge to provide a balanced look at the entries, Sarah the Mouse.

Jenni: “Judges, you’ll be presented with Easter Eggs designed and decorated by sixth graders from Mrs. Richardson’s class at the Frank Herbert Middle School in Kennewick, Washington. You’ll judge each egg using three separate but equal criteria: Creativity, Execution, and Social Responsibility. Mark each category on your score sheets with a number from 1 to 10. The egg with the highest point total will win.

Jenni: “Good luck, entrants!”

Jenni: “First up, we have USA.”

egg_USA
USA!

The Germ: “That’s supposed to be some kind of flag?”

Scalzi: “A little blurry, the red lines look like blood streaks, and the stars are bits of paper? Anyone recognize the country?”

Sarah: “It’s the United States of America. Sheesh.”

The Germ: “That’s hardly inclusive. Where’s the Mexican flag, the Canadian flag, the United Nations flag, or the California flag?”

Sarah: “Maybe it’s because the egg is entitled USA, so they only included the flag of the United States.”

Terri: “Impossible. How can anyone in this day and age possibly think that’s appropriate? Are they forced to say the pledge of allegiance, too?”

Jenni: “Your score, judges?”

The Germ: “After tallying them up it gets an amazingly high score of 27. Sarah gave it a patriotic 9 for the Socially Responsible category.”

Terri: “Sarah, do you understand the rules?”

Sarah: “I get the rules! How much extra am I being paid for this?”

Jenni: “We’ll check on that. Meanwhile, our next entry is entitled Proud Heritage

Egg_proud_heritage
Proud Heritage

Terri: “O.M.G. Somebody killed a bird to make fun of American Indians by turning one into an Easter Egg!”

The Germ: “You should know better, Terri. In Canada they like to be called First Peoples.”

Scalzi: “Some poor bird died, freezing, because this insensitive jerk needed to enter a stupid contest! I am outraged on it’s behalf!”

Sarah: “Birds drop feathers all the time, and how do you know the child that made this isn’t an Indian who wanted to pay tribute to his family?”

Terri: “Impossible. Robbed of their traditions by white males, Native Peoples only live on reservations.”

Jenni: “Judges, we need your rating.”

Scalzi: “This one nets a whopping 21. It would have been lower but we can’t add negative numbers.”

Jenni: “No, negative numbers are not allowed.”

Scalzi: “That’s not what I said, intern.”

Jenni: “Okay. Moving on. We have this untitled entry. Judges?”

egg_untitled
Untitled

Scalzi: “Outrageous!”

Terri: “How can such hate speech be allowed in a public school!”

The Germ: “I kind of like it. Free publicity. I have a deep appreciation for those who can bend the rules like that.”

Terri: “You do understand that it’s for TRUMP? It’s like Ronald Reagan and George Bush had a Hitler baby, combined it’s DNA with Lassie, and cloned it into a hateful real estate developer! Did you hear me? A real estate developer!”

The Germ: “I get it. I still admire the effort. What do you think Sarah?”

Sarah: “I think the kid has a right to his opinion, but his opinion is clearly wrong. It’s not like anybody should be thrown in jail over it.”

Jenni: “Judges? The final tally?”

The Germ: “With my 4/9/1 rating, it gets… 23 points.”

Jenni: “Very good. Up next we have Let That Be Your Last Battlefield.”

Egg_Let That Be Your Last Battlefield
Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

Terri: “Is this supposed to be commentary on some sort of half-black, half-white member of society? If so, I find it highly offensive.”

The Germ: “Maybe its a trans-race thing. Probably a Twitter user just trolling us.”

Scalzi: “You can clearly see the white half is dominant. I think they are making fun of our President.”

Terri: “No, the black half is dominant. The right side trumps the left side, no?”

Sarah: “Again with the Trumpster?”

The Germ: “So the egg is trying to say Black Lives Matter more than white lives? If so, that’s a rather genius entry.”

Scalzi: “No, it is not saying that. Can you clearly not see the egg is racist, declaring whites to be better than blacks?”

Jenni: “Enough discussion, judges. Your rating?”

Sarah: “67. I just made that up because this is ridiculous.”

The Germ: “She’s right! It’s 67 exactly! Wow, I didn’t believe you were capable of math, Sarah.”

Jenni: “Now Sarah, keep your cool. Sixth graders don’t need to go home with a rich vocabulary of foreign swearwords!

Jenni: “How does this next egg entitled Freedom trigger you?”

Egg_Freedom
Freedom

Scalzi: “Someone has an entirely SICK sense of humor!”

Terri: “This is offensive on so many levels! I mean, what are they teaching kids in this ‘school’?!”

The Germ: “Put a white sheet on it and call it done. I am literally quivering with rage.”

Sarah: “President Obama posed under a mural of Che Guevara yesterday, and you were fine, but this is the type of thing that outrages you?”

The Germ: “Che Guevara is a freaking hero, Sarah. Your knowledge of communists that did it right is astoundingly poor.”

Jenni: “Um. Okay. Do we have a point total?”

Terri: “Under protest, we are awarding it 17 points. It should be disqualified, and the child that made it sentenced to remedial anti-hate classes.”

Jenni: “I’ll pass that on. We have Blank Slate up next.”

Egg_Blank_slate
Blank Slate

The Germ: “This is worse than the last egg. Somehow. Fill us in, Terri.”

Terri: “It’s just… white. Easter eggs are supposed to contain colors…”

Scalzi: “Slates are bad. Like, really, really bad. So bad that they are, in fact, Not. Good.”

Sarah: “It certainly is neither creative or well-executed. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t hard-boiled. There is simply no effort at all here. However, it has obviously enraged the rest of this esteemed panel, so I’m giving it a 10 for Social Responsibility.”

The Germ: “Very cute, Sarah-the-racist-mouse.”

Sarah: “Sigh. Everyone is a racist these days, Germ.”

Jenni: “Points?

Sarah: “21”

Jenni: “Very good. We have only two eggs left, so we’re almost done. I present you with Spring Breakfast.”

Egg_Spring_Breakfast
Spring Breakfast

Scalzi: “A body-shaming egg? Really? On behalf of women everywhere I am outraged!”

Terri: “No, it’s okay because the egg is curvy. Anyone should be able to wear a bathing suit like that.”

The Germ: “No, they really shouldn’t. Especially not eggs, potatoes, or scale-destroying super models.”

Sarah: “Slather it up with some salt and butter and I think it’d make a tasty breakfast. Just like the title implies.”

Terri: “Can I formally request we have Sarah removed from the panel?”

Jenni: “I’m afraid not. Your point total for this egg, judges?”

Scalzi: “86! How the heck did it get 86 points?”

Jenni: “We might have a winner there, class! But there is one egg left. Can it score higher than 86 points? Let’s find out. I give you Islamic Easter.”

Egg_Islamic_Easter
Islamic Easter

Scalzi: “So poignant. Truly relevant during this election season!”

The Germ: “The eyes are key. They brilliantly express everything Islamist’s feel about Easter.”

Terri: “In addition, this egg is empowered! Her niqab is SCREAMING to The Patriarchy that they can’t oppress her any longer!”

Sarah: “Sure, Terri, she’s probably wearing a I Heart Boy Tearz t-shirt under it. Look, does anyone else have a problem with the egg postulating that followers of Islam celebrate Easter?”

Terri: “Of course not. Islamists can celebrate Easter, just like everyone. Wow, you are racist, Sarah. Not just racist, but racist-racist!”

Sarah: “sigh…”

Jenni: “Do we have a winner, judges?”

Scalzi: “With a grand total of 93 points, we declare Islamic Easter the winner of Mrs. Richardson’s Easter Egg decorating competition.”

—- Transcript Ends —-

Would you expect it to end any other way?

4 thoughts on “Problematic Easter Eggs

      1. Well, it’s like they say: Keep a man warm for a day, build him a fire. Keep him warm for life, set him on fire. (Stolen from Sir T. Pratchett (I think) and horribly mangled.)

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        1. Light a man a fire and he’s warm for an hour. Light a man ON fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life. That’s the way I’ve heard it; had no idea it came from Sir Pratchett.

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