The Tantrum Club

The latest trend that’s all the rage is… rage. In the UK, the Tantrum Club believes over-stressed women can gain relief by pummeling pillows with baseball bats, jumping on bubble wrap, and writing their angriest thoughts on balloons before popping them. Screaming fits and obscenities are encouraged. Participants get a decent workout at the same time.

This is a trend I can get behind, especially if they let me wield a Cudgel of Fury+1. This probably surprises you, because I’ve demonstrated on countless occasions that laughter is a better way of handling stress. However, a surprisingly large number of people lack any sort of humor lobe, and are incapable of getting the joke. Besides, throwing tantrums as grown-ups is the next logical step for the cry-bullies who’ve spent four to six years in extended day-care at various universities.

In the USA people are taking their rage to the streets in nearly every major metropolitan area. Our politicians want to blame guns, but knives, makeshift clubs, and rocks have all been used. The feelings these protestors are working through are serious. In Britain, bureaucrats huff and spasm and whine because grown ups have tired of their random enforcement of arbitrary rules that nobody wanted in the first place.

So it could be that a class that allows women to practice their hysterical bat-wielding techniques might be a good solution. It has the potential to be really big, actually. Rage clubs for college students, Marxists, SJWs, Muslims, and for every flavor of gender that anyone makes up, might be all that’s needed to cure our societal ills. We should be able to track the statistics to see if it is working. Science to the rescue once again!

Meanwhile, I’ve thought of some additional activities for the frenzied women that might be more cathartic for their tantrum clubs.

The walnut crush. Set up pairs of walnuts and have fun with a sledgehammer. Builds upper body strength.

The grape squish. Take pairs of grapes, insert firmly into the palm, and make a tight, closed fist. Better than a pair of stress balls.

Hydraulic press fun. Mechanical crushing machines have been used by men for decades because they destroy things in an entirely satisfactory manner. Enraged women could feed bowling balls, coconuts, golf clubs, or the patriarchy into the hydraulic press while high speed cameras record the action. They can sip wine, nibble chocolate, and pet therapy cats while watching the footage.

The porcelain smash. Nothing is more enraging than a dirty bathroom sink or toilet. Why not shatter them with hammers and send the pieces off for recycling instead? Safety goggles recommended.

Total kitchen destruction. Clubs can install kitchens and allow rampaging women to destroy them by hurling large cinder blocks, Hulk-style. Use a flamethrower for a big, purifying finish.

Absentee ballot markups. Provide absentee ballots and an extremely sharp number 2 pencil. Participants can vigorously fill in the bubble for Hillary. Distribute to voters who were unable to properly fill out their ballots in November.

Tantrum Club might be the next big trend we’ll see as we get closer to the Presidential election, especially once President Trump takes office in January. Look for one coming to your neighborhood soon!

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The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop — tempestinateardrop.com

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