Arguably, the toughest job in the world is that of President of the United States. Power is difficult to wield. There is a dark side that no candidate for the office talks about. The American people see it, though. Our Presidents age rapidly. It is the toll they must pay in order to meddle in the minutia of our lives.
By far the worst case was William Henry Harrison, sworn in to the office on 4 March 1841 and dead exactly one month later on 4 April 1841. According to Wikipedia he died from pneumonia, but we know this is impossible. Pneumonia is a harmless condition you just get over in a couple of days with enough doctor care and appropriate press coverage. The real reason was rapid aging. Like the “He Chose Poorly” scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Some Presidents get lucky and become eternal Democrat voters before the ravages of time take their middle age. Abraham Lincoln, for example, was assassinated early in his second term. I imagine George McClellan felt he’d really dodged a bullet when that happened.
This phenomena is obvious even with our modern medicine and plastic surgery techniques. Go take a look at before-and-after pics of President Bill Clinton and President George W. Bush. President Obama has fared pretty well, in comparison. His short-n-fuzzy hair style hides most of the gray, but an even bigger factor are his thousands of hours of golf. Passing the duties of the office to hundreds of unaccountable petty functionaries keeps the power toll to a minimum.
This brings us to an important question: Were Hillary to take the White House in November, how might she age during her first term? We decided to ask our cartoon correspondents Brent Shaper and Louise Munsch to speculate and check on Hillary’s aging progression at each of her state-of-the-union addresses for the next few years.
Remember, this is idle speculation and hyperbole. You should still favorite, share, and Gab it with caution. We’d hate to induce brain-splattering heart attacks in our readership.
State of the Union – January 2017
Brent: “Wow. Hillary is the picture of health for her first SOTU address.”
Louise: “She is positively glowing with youthful luster. All the Trumpsters are crying tonight, wondering how they were beaten back in November. They were so intent on lying about her medical records that they neglected to focus on her policies, which she promised she’d reveal after winning the election.”
Brent: “Yes, the nation is waiting to hear how she plans to unite Americans all over the world. Let’s listen as she finally tells us what she’ll do as President.”
State of the Union – January 2018
Louise: “Hillary has taken the podium for her second SOTU address. A lot has happened in her first year.”
Brent: “Very true. She really hasn’t been the same since her plane came under sniper fire when landing in Seattle last summer. Still, it was her decision to replace the Secret Service with flying monkeys. They are still adjusting to their jobs.”
Louise: “On the plus side, her innovative travel solution is inexpensive to operate and completely green. The billions of dollars saved by grounding the Presidential air wing has gone to directly importing more Americans who were unfortunate enough to be born in other countries.”
State of the Union – January 2019
Brent: “Another year has passed and Hillary seems to be in good spirits for her third SOTU address.”
Louise: “Her Internet Freedom Initiative has almost eliminated the invective that once permeated American society. The country is once again experiencing the polite tone it used to enjoy.”
Brent: “Since only qualified users are allowed access, internet hate speech has gone extinct. The license fees are also helping to replenish government coffers.”
Louise: “With the midterms behind us and record numbers of Democrats swelling the halls of Congress, we’re all breathlessly anticipating what initiatives she’ll enact over the next year.”
Brent: “It feels like Christmas Eve.”
Louise: “You mean Winterfest Eve.”
Brent: “Oh, yes. Winterfest Eve.”
State of the Union – January 2020
Louise: “Tonight’s SOTU is going to be something special. Congress will hold a candlelight vigil for the victims of terrorist attacks. They’ve been issued safety lighters, which they’ll wave in solidarity while Pink Floyd’s Sheep plays on 20′ monitors brought in for the spectacle.”
Brent: “I’ve got my lighter ready to go. It’s a real flame. This is going to make a real statement not only to the terrorists, but to Americans everywhere.”
Louise: “Huma is passing out commemorative copies of the constitution printed on flash paper. Hillary felt it was vital that the 300 million+ viewers for tonight’s show understand exactly what the government is fighting.”
Brent: “I just hope everyone remembers to light ’em up at the 7:20 mark when the soft instrumentals end and the good part of the song begins.”
State of the Union – January 2021
Brent: “This is it. Hillary is about to make her final SOTU address. You know, the toll of the office is beginning to show but she is still the picture of health.”
Louise: “I agree. Everyone was surprised when she announced she won’t be running again. My private sources tell me that with the Socialist Utopia imminent she feels like there are no challenges left to overcome.”
Brent: “What are they saying about her successor? Do they agree with the appointment she made?”
Louise: “Chelsea Clinton will be our next President and she’ll be great because she has the one qualification we now know the most powerful office in the world requires. Ovaries.”
Brent: “I’m going to miss Hillary. Still, it’s nice to see her going out at the top of her game and looking so fit.”
Louise: “No question. Angela Merkel looked much worse when she left office in 2017.”
Brent: “Much, much worse.”
The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop — tempestinateardrop.com