My fellow Christians: Rejoice! The Great Christian Theocracy we’ve all secretly wanted is at hand! It’s been 800 long years since that last crusade didn’t work out so well, but we’ve been planning and plotting and scheming ever since, desperate to devise a way for government to outlaw sin and usher in a holy utopia.

How this has come to pass isn’t exactly obvious, so stick with me while I explain.

In September of 2014 California passed the nations first statewide Affirmative Consent law. Affirmative consent is the idea that all sexual partners must agree to the amorous activity, otherwise the sex acts will be considered rape. Neither silence nor lack of protest meets this standard. Any person involved in such a tryst can withdraw consent at any time, including the next day or even a decade later.

If the accused can’t prove that they attained consent, they will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. An accusation is enough to convict, because all participants are guilty until proven innocent. Video tape with both parties agreeing won’t be good enough. The accuser can pull out the “under duress” card. That’s the way the law works.

Ergo, people would be insane to have sex within the state of California. Yes, that includes married people. In theory, this includes both men and women but since the law favors women heavily over men this is probably going to affect them more.

Let us now combine this with the law the governor of California signed a couple of weeks ago. It compels film and television casting websites to remove actors’ ages upon request. It was meant to combat age discrimination in Hollywood. This is an example of government acting at its finest for those who can afford it.

The bill effectively outlaws pornography. All pornographic films must keep the ages of all participants on record in order to prove that nobody was underage at the time the film was made. Removing said ages will put pornographers at grave risk of a whole slew of laws which generally include lifetime jail sentences.

Christians have asserted for decades that abstinence has never produced children, except for that one time that all Christians acknowledge was a special case. Boom. Abortion no longer needed.

See? The unintended consequences of these two laws have effectively outlawed the deadly sin of lust. Government works in mysterious ways. This hardly constitutes a theocracy, though. Good thing they’ve gone much further.

Gluttony has been under attack for a while. Soda bans, sugar taxes, and government bought-and-paid for health care put the onus on citizens to not get fat. Feel free to audit everybody’s meal the next time you eat out. It is your duty as a responsible citizen to point out that the plate of pasta your neighbor just ordered is not only 100% carbs, but three times the portion size that those skinny Canadians eat. If they complain, point out that you are paying for their health care now, just as they are paying for yours. They can complain about the two grapes you are eating responsibly if they’d like.

If it seems like a paradox that the same group of folks who are bringing these laws are also the same group complaining about fat-shaming, just sit back and enjoy God working out his plan.

Greed and envy are closely tied together. Greed is the lust for money. Envy is the lust for possessions that your neighbor owns. Generally speaking, those possessions can be yours provided you hand over enough money. Some enterprising individuals skip that step. If the individual is not an elected official, we call that theft and can sometimes prosecute them. This tends not to work on the well-connected (see: Bankers).

If that person is a government official, we call that democracy. A bunch of your neighbors voted to take your stuff. You might have joined them, for reasons only you understand. When nobody possesses anything, there is no reason to be envious. Without envy, greed is obsolete. This pair of sins is being assaulted daily. We are not far off from eradicating them for good.

Sloth is a sin whose solution is now in sight. Governments in both the past and present have taken bold steps to educate their citizens on how wonderful work is. Some people need a carrot, and the prospect of living another day is enough for them to demonstrate their work ethic by farming or digging wells or providing foot massages for their more famous or well-connected neighbors. Others respond better to the stick. Switching the lazy is hard work, but it provides cardio and more importantly eradicates sloth from their sinful nature.

These concepts don’t work out in practice unless the three types (workers, switchers, and lazy) of people remain in close proximity to one another. Governments have failed on this step in the past because they have failed to market the concept to their slothful citizenry. America, however, has the best marketers in the history of the world. Everybody will be clamoring to get a spot in these “work camps.” They’ll be marketed as a vacation paid for by the government, and come with snappy names like “Camp Greenbelt” and “Camp Day Spirit” and “Camp Oubliette.” That last one is French. Trust me, people who have been to Paris will feel right at home.

Just like that, sloth will be a sin of the past.

Some people will just not accept the coming Christian Theocracy. I’m looking at atheists and scientologists, but anybody who is angered by this post is likely to reject it. They suffer from the sin of wrath. This has an easy fix, and in fact our government has already taken the first step in implementing it: regulate the internet, and only let people who don’t have a “wrath problem” have access. Confined to a null e-status hell, their wrath will subside over time. The camps that cured sloth may have a role to play curing wrath as well.

Of course, we’ll always have the sin of pride to contend with. No government can fully remove it from our natures. By the time the new theocracy is fully implemented, though, hubris will be the least of our problems.

I have to admit, I didn’t see the new Christian Theocracy coming, and I’d never have believed it was being ushered in by Democrats at all levels of government, from school boards to the presidency. I’ve always looked askance at my fellow Christians who admit to supporting the party of the jackass. I was wrong. Wow was I wrong. I formally apologize to you all and will promptly switch my party affiliation. If you, too, would like to see the new Christian Theocracy come to pass, join me in voting Democrat this year. It begins on November 9.


The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop — tempestinateardrop.com