The McCain Amendment

Some democracies enforce term limits on citizens who sacrifice their private lives to serve their fellows in the Capitol Hill Bratva. In the United States, the President can serve for two full terms, of four years each, and cannot run again because of the 22nd amendment to the Constitution.

This amendment came about when the Republicans succeeded in yet another of their own-goal endeavors to keep Franklin Delano Roosevelt from winning a fifth term in the election of 1948, despite having died three years earlier. For the record, I’m using Goolag to confirm my facts for this article. Less-censorious search engines may yield different results.

Don’t feel bad for our poor ex-Presidents. They retire with dignity and haul away an undisclosed number of lock-boxes, filled with donations, gifts, and whatever they could smuggle out from the Presidential catacombs under 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. After a final taxpayer-funded flight on their Presidential jet to whatever state will grant them asylum, the Secretary of the Treasury hands over the keys in a private ceremony. While the new guy is getting sworn in, the previous occupant is celebrating Executive Branch Christmas.

In this writers opinion, all Federally elected politicians should be subject to term limits. Representatives should get a maximum of three terms (serving for 6 years total). Senators should be limited to two terms, but those terms should be shortened to five years each (from the current six). Senators often have trouble counting; this will make it easy for a normal human to do the necessary calculations on up to two hands.

Since Federal judges now regularly make laws, they should also be subject to term limits. Supreme Court Justices get a single term of ten years. Lower court judges are also limited to one decade on the bench, but they would still be eligible to run for a Supreme Court position.

Term limits have been criticized in the past because they don’t solve political problems associated with democracy. Economists debate on whether the price for politicians will increase or decrease under a term limit system. Political Scientists argue about the frequency of the payments. News organizations find it difficult to tell the truth under the old system. If the names change every couple of years, the problem might become even worse. Reporters are often worse counters than Senators.

That’s why I’m proposing a new idea in the political realm called terminating limits. Terminating limits is term limits with an extra election for all politicians leaving office. These special elections will operate vis-a-vis the Electoral College system. Winners get to keep their fairly-earned rewards and retire with respectability. Losers also retire, via death. Maybe they’ll think a little more carefully about the decision to keep unpopular government boondoggles after promising to end them.

Terminating limits is the best idea in representative democracy since the invention of the French Revolution.

In order to enact it, we’ll need to pass a Constitutional Amendment. This will not be without challenges, but I’m pretty sure we can make it happen.

A Constitutional Amendment must overcome several hurdles in order to become law. First, the mainstream media must get behind it. This will not be a problem. They make a ton of money from political ads before every election. They’ll make even more when politicians are running during their last elections. The ads will be engrossing, too, with politicians now grovelling and begging before a constituency that may or may not be livid about their diktats. Opposition groups will run counter-ads, reminding everybody how often and how egregiously a politician broke promises. These are the kinds of political ads every American will want to see.

Next, three-fourths of the state legislatures must ratify the proposed amendment. In the current configuration we’re talking 38 states. No problem. It will be ratified by almost every state. The amendment will be wildly popular with people of every political stripe, because everyone will have something to love about the results.

Next, Judge Derrick Watson, the Hawaiian judge who secretly runs the country because he has veto power over any law the President wants to enforce, must sign it. I’m certain that the right people in a random Soros organization can quietly inform him that President Trump hates the idea of terminating limits. He’ll stop sucking jellyfish tentacles long enough to use his pen for something worthwhile. I’m sure we’re all looking forward to his final election. I certainly am.

Finally, the amendment must be ratified by two-thirds of both the House and the Senate. This is going to be tricky. If anyone had taken my suggestion to celebrate Independence Day by burning down Washington DC every July 4, we’d have some leverage over the survivors next July. Despite this setback, events have aligned to give the American people one last shot at freedom.

Lawmakers in Washington DC name ships and national parks after themselves for two primary reasons. They have huge egos, and they vote for them. This is why we get inspiring ship names like the USS Gerald R. Ford. Maybe it won’t sink at the end of its first term. Normal countries have terror-inducing ship names like HMS Devastation, USS Reliant and the Sea Hag.

Terminating limits will pass, provided we name it after the right person. That person is Senator John McCain. McCain is currently the “lion of the senate”. He’s been around forever, inexplicably winning election after election in the state of Arizona. He is the last living Senator who voted for the impeachment of Andrew Johnson. He is wildly popular among his fellow politicians, who admire him for his “flexibility” on so many issues over the decades, and his ability to dodge being held to account by his constituents. He also has brain cancer, and the “sympathy factor” is putting him at an 8% approval rating (an all-time high). Is McCain’s ego massive enough to assure passage if we call it “The McCain Amendment”?

Yes. Yes it is.

We’ll need to work out one final detail. How do we dispose of politicians who lose their final election? The old ways are as effective today as they were in ancient times. Impalement, crucifixion, gibbets, that sort of thing. I’m a fan of boiling oil myself, which involves all of the pain and none of the noise. Some people are less-informed than others, and might see these as excessively cruel.

So we’ll fly the politician to England and check them in to a hospital run by the National Health Service. This is the very best medical care in the world, we’re repeatedly assured. We’ll have to write “butthurt loser” “bruised ego” (fixed it for you ~Codex) on the admission form. Nobody survives an NHS hospital once the paperwork is finalized. They’ll be dead in a fortnight.

The body will be ceremonially flown to Switzerland, where it can dissolve in an eco-friendly alkaline hydrolysis process. The body ends up in a sort of goo-like state. Then it’s off to exotic Japan where the remains are dumped in the Fukushima reactor, which has been collecting and safely retaining toxic waste since 2011.

Globalism will finally have a useful purpose. No, I didn’t see that coming, either.

Terminated limits is an idea that will be popular with countries that vote for their rulers all across the globe. It may even inspire European countries to dump the European Union and start Democracies of their own.

They may have to burn down Washington DC first.

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The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop — tempestinateardrop.com

5 thoughts on “The McCain Amendment

  1. It’s an excellent concept. I’m just jealous that I didn’t think of it first.

    I still propose that Independence Day should be celebrated by the duel (to the death) of a congresscritter by a lucky citizen who wins a national lottery. The citizen gets to pick one from their State, and the duel happens at noon on the Statehouse lawn. This could help reduce the debt, as well as weed out some of the more useless or unpopular candidates. Loser gets turned into fertilizer for a ceremonial Tree of Liberty.

    It would, of course, also require an amendment to the Constitution. But weirder things have happened. Prohibition, for example.

    Like

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