Does anyone else remember that Bond film where the hero is tortured by the super-villain (I’m pretty sure his last name was Gates)? The one where they used the agony of hair removal via diamond glass polish paste and an aggressive drill abrasion pad? I think it was a clever ploy by Bond to get the baddie monologuing. Then Gates laughed maniacally as Ms Moneypenny begged Gates to leave Bond in a “manly state”, or at least with a chest wax, before Bond thwarted the villain with carbon credits and a promise to erase a half-million useless eaters.

I’m… not entirely sure I have that right. But that’s what we did this week. We tortured someone into using this goop in an attempt to shave a few hundred bucks off the home-improvement budget. Our shower doors were a mess.

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