CSI: DW ~ Press Release

Broccolini Studios, in conjunction with TiaT Studios, is proud to announce the newest prime-time blockbuster crime-fighting show: CSI: Dewberry Woods. Various flavors of CSI have graced the CBS prime-time audience for sixteen years, with no end in sight. CSI: Dewberry Woods will potentially air following CSI: Cyber, which will air this Spring.

“When CBS asked us for yet another crime drama, I was thrilled,” said producer Hildegarde Von Stuntner. “Americans never tire of macabre, outlandish crimes that can be solved with anti-gun, politically correct storylines in under an hour.” CBS also airs Criminal Minds and seven flavors of the granddaddy detective show, NCIS.

“CSI: DW is set in a magical realm of cute critters and veggies, and we’ll draw heavily on that mythology. It will be what sets the show apart.” According to television critic Amanda Tarpin, “CBS is taking a big chance here. Cooking shows have not done well in the past, especially in prime time. CBS believes wrapping it in a ‘cop show’ veneer will launch an entirely new genre, and might possibly do for cooking shows what American Idol did for the variety show.”

CSI: DW will star William Shatner as the veteran detective, James Tiberius Mater. “Mater is your no-nonsense cop that breaks the rules and gets results,” says Stuntner. “William Shatner was a natural fit. He played the lead in both T.J. Hooker and Iron Chef, USA.” The cast also claims Jane Seymour as the wise sergeant, and Hayden Christensen as the rookie. “We needed to keep costs down, so we went with proven actors who were, nonetheless, desperate.”

Q, the spokesman for TiaT Studios, weighed in during the press conference with what Tempest in a Teardrop will be bringing to the show. “We’ll be providing basic services, extras, occasional guest stars, and the fantastic backdrops the show producers wanted.”

Financial considerations have not been disclosed, but behind-the-scenes insiders describe the whole project as being “Incredibly cheap. Networks are constantly taking chances, but with increasing competition from YouTube, Netflix, and Amazon, they are tightening the purse strings considerably.” We asked Stuntner to describe her dealings with Q, a newcomer to the television scene. “He’s a spork, you know? I sat down, looked him square in the eye, and couldn’t help but think how hungry I was for stew, or possibly chili. We arrived at a deal pretty quickly after that.”

The pilot for CSI: DW is currently being filmed on location in the Dewberry Woods. It should be wrapped up by the end of January, or possibly the first week of February depending on the weather and something Q called “the comix muse.”

CORRECTION: CSI: DW is not actually a cooking show. According to Stuntner, “We pitched it to potential audiences in focus groups at Universal Studios. They didn’t like it.” Apparently viewers expect a show that features people scraping up roadkill and either eating it or using it for taxidermy to be something shown on a much seedier channel, such as Destination America. They also rejected the setting for such a show. “They expected it from one of the southern states, and not a good one like North Carolina. Louisiana seems more appropriate. That one is Republican, right?”

3 thoughts on “CSI: DW ~ Press Release

    1. I’m just going to ask this and ignore the awkwardness: are you William Shatner, Dave? Does William Shatner read our comic? ‘Cause that’s the kind of thing that would get me to use my Twitter account!

      Like

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