“News” Roundup

We are all very, very ignorant. None of these “news” stories will provide a cure for that condition. Let’s laugh at them anyway.

[WARNING: This post is rated a solid PG for mild suggestive pictures, language, and 8-year-old humor]


Our number 1 story: Good news for you “free pee-ers” in New York. The police will no longer arrest you for relieving yourself in public, the way nature intended. This is a policy I can get behind, because I certainly wouldn’t want to get in front of it. Pro-tip: when visiting the city, buy tickets in the upper seating sections of whatever venue you’ll be attending.


Our number 2 story is from the Netherlands. The Leiden University Medical Centre has opened the world’s first poo bank. Anyone can visit and make a deposit. I’m not sure if they pay anything: Everybody poops, so the supply is abundant. As poo banks catch on around the world, however, competition might mean monetary compensation for your trouble, assuming there is something special about your, err, product. No poo bank will be able to compete once they open one in Hollywood, though, so your window to cash-in may be limited.


Up next, China has finally banned weird architecture. Follow the link to see the oddness. One building in particular did catch my eye. No, I have no idea why someone would build this. A parking garage? Some kind of Planned Parenthood franchise? Perhaps it is the new China Headquarters for Feminist Frequency. All I can say is they must be Tempest in a Teardrop fans: it’s a mushroom!

ChinaBansWeirdBuildings
Mushroom? Yes! Why, what do you see?

Have you ever been accused of having resting bitch face? It hurts. Perhaps you don’t suffer from this condition, or have even heard of this serious first-world problem. I hadn’t either. Scientists have concluded that RBF is real, and just as damaging as other serious troubles we face today like microaggressions and unrestrained free-thinkers on college campuses.

RBF is defined as “a person, usually a girl, who naturally looks mean when her face is expressionless, without meaning to.” So. Unfair.

This video will explain their plight further. It’s important to spread awareness.

This is serious, people. We’ll all need to be a little more understanding if Hillary is going to become our Queen.


Our next article will change driver license testing forever. Situation: driving, single-lane highway, behind a bus with limited sight distance in front of you. You spot an alligator sitting beside the road. Do you

  1. continue to follow the bus
  2. stop safely, check if alligator is okay
  3. stop safely, take selfie with alligator
  4. stop safely, call 911
  5. stop, offer alligator a ride, help it into your vehicle

You don’t make the news for numbers 1 thru 4. Some people might panic once they realize they have a live, unrestrained alligator in their car. Some people might make mistakes in this situation, which safety experts call compounding the problem. Not Joshua James from Jupiter, Florida.

No, Joshua decided it was a good time for a prank, and tossed the alligator into a drive-through window of a Wendy’s restaurant. Joshua is facing some serious jail time, and is being charged with “aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, illegally killing, possessing or capturing an alligator, and second-degree larceny petit theft.” Yikes. The judge has ordered a psychiatric evaluation. Ya think?!

If I was in Joshua’s shoes I’d explain to the judge, “I’m sorry, your honor, I thought I was at a Burger King.” Then everyone would laugh and the jury would find me guilty of being hilarious. I’d take them all out to fast-food after the paperwork was filed.


Finally, did you know people can send email from beyond the grave? Yes, there are companies that will allow you to type up time-released emails to be sent to either your loved ones or hated enemies after you die. Best. Idea. Ever.

Wish your children a Happy Birthday every year. Tell your wife you finally remembered your anniversary. Remind your enemies that you are there, waiting for payback on the other side of the veil. Think of the practical joke possibilities!

Dear [Loved One],

Before I passed, I buried millions of dollars in unmarked treasuries in a wooden coffin in Magnolia Creek Cemetery. It was well-disguised to look like any other grave. But every year on October 31, the clues will align at the stroke of midnight to reveal the secret. You’ll need to bring my favorite hockey stick, however. It’s the key to the whole thing.

Sure hope you didn’t sell it, the way you threatened to so many times when I was alive.

Love, [Your Name]

There are millions of possibilities, ask for advice on Twitter. That place is crawling with comedians.

5 thoughts on ““News” Roundup

  1. 6. gut it and throw it in the trunk. yum

    In florida, alligators are NBD. I’m surprised he was charged. Must have had an sjw behind the counter.

    RBF- good study. Photograph a bunch of narcissists then ask them if they are truly bitchy. What could go wrong? lmao

    good stuff

    Like

    1. NBD?

      I figured it was a regional thing. I’m in the Pacific Northwest. When we see an elk or bobcat or bigfoot, we don’t want them in our cars. There is lots of video footage of people making the mistake of giving them rides and the not-so-funny-unless-you-aren’t-them results.

      Like

      1. No big deal. Up here (Maine) it’s the moose are deadly.

        They share the sidewalks with the gators down there. Just walk around them. Poach them when no one is looking.

        I’d like to see video of a bigfoot through a windshield.

        Like

        1. “I’d like to see video of a bigfoot through a windshield.”

          Yeah, they don’t let you do that. It’s always a bear. A BEAR. If you happen to gather hair samples, and happen to bring them in for DNA analysis, and the results happen to come back 95% Human, 5% Unknown, then they just write down “Bear.”

          Pretty sure if they ever happen to find a real bigfoot they will make everybody in Washington State move to California lest they endanger the species. Because Stupid.

          Like

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