First off, minimal research went into this piece. The reasons should become obvious. It also involved no food, little sleep, and units of comfort measured on the pico scale. You might want to consider this before reading further. Codex, for example, refused to edit this post.


Our tale begins with Diploptera Punctata, better known as the Pacific Beetle Cockroach. It ranges in size from 15mm to 25mm, which in the cockroach world makes it average-ish. The Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, currently running for President in a country near you, can be over 7cm in length. That’s 70mm for those of us in civilized countries that use the Imperial system (haha – he’s just kidding, folks! – Guest Editor).

The interesting thing about the Pacific Beetle Cockroach is that it looks more like a beetle than a cockroach, and it gives birth to live young. It bypasses the egg stage. There are no eggs involved. To feed its children the female roach lactates milk crystals. Eventually, the young are weaned and begin eating garbage or fridge scum or whatever roaches eat. It’s these milk crystals that are particularly interesting.

No, really. This is your last chance. We go rapidly downhill from here.

Scientists have determined that these roach crystals are much more beneficial than something reasonable yet exotic, like buffalo milk. Yep. It’s the next super food. Human testing is imminent. Americans are too fat and we’re all about to become responsible, skinny citizens shaped by the power of vomit. As a cultural libertarian humorist trying to stay abreast of these sorts of developments, I’m well ahead of the average person who doesn’t seek out “the weird” in order to write about it. I’ve barfed twice now and I haven’t gotten to the lactose intolerant portion of this piece yet.

Cockroach milk contains three times the energy, all the essential amino acids, and, as an added bonus, carbohydrates and lipids. It has everything we need. Marketers will have the easiest job ever with their “Get Roached” sales pitch. Stoned folks all over the world will drink it up in a heartbeat, even if it takes a particularly excessive bong hit to elicit roach milk cravings.

Controversy will, naturally, follow in the wake of this discovery.

Corporate Roach Ranchers will be all about extracting milk at maximum volume regardless of the roach’s working conditions. They will force mothers into milking machines daily, provide tiny roach mazes designed to limit movement and male/female interaction, and use unnatural pheromones to encourage ideal roach mating conditions.

Male Roach: Hey baby, is that a faint hint of warthog gas I’m smelling on those spiny legs of yours?
Female Roach: Why yes! Plus I’ve been watching CNN!
Male Roach: Ooooooohh. I’m about to make ten thousand baby roaches…
Female Roach: Oh, yes!
RoachMilkCo CFO: OH, YES!

Meanwhile, the Free Roachers will build habitat which optimizes natural roach mating conditions without limiting the roach’s natural life cycle. Exotic garbage, challenging mazes, and lots of Jay Z music, will combine to encourage mating cycles in order to maximize milk production. They’ll label their efforts “organic” and sell their roach milk for twice the going rate.

People will pay it, too. They won’t want to buy roach milk sourced from third world sweatshops.

Nobody knows whether roach milk crystals are poisonous to humans, but an influx of campaign donations for “scientific research” will soon bypass any objection the FDA might have. Look for roach milk availability to explode in military commissaries, prisons, and school lunch programs all over the USA in 2017. It’ll be the new “green technology” movement.

Invest early. Fads like this tend to generate a nice return, but don’t ride the wave too long. I’ll forgo the main trend and go for the side-play myself.

Mr. McGuire: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening?
Ben: Yes, sir.
Mr.. McGuire: Buckets.


The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop — tempestinateardrop.com