News outlets all around the country have finally noticed the outbreak of creepy killer clowns. This isn’t surprising. The media is usually last to hop on the zeitgeist train, which means I needed to get this post published fast. The incidents have everything a presstitute craves when breaking a story. They’re unusual, have a macabre twist, terrify the public into paying attention, and can be blamed on Donald Trump. We’re all anxiously waiting to see how they’ll do that.

Scooby Doo would have already tackled this mystery and we’d be talking about the shocking reveal all over social media by now.

Daphne: “Jinkies! It was the Justice Department the entire time!”
Loretta Lynch: “And we’d have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you meddling citizens! What am I saying? We will get away with it! We get away with everything!“”

Sadly, Scooby and the gang are in San Francisco trying to find an affordable apartment. That may very well be the Kobayashi Maru of paranormal mysteries. They haven’t been seen since 2011. So your humble host has delved into this instead, because Americans need answers. Or at least hyperbolic speculation.

We’re all familiar with regular clowns.

Scary? Yes. They congregate near circuses, children’s parties, and election headquarters. They are easy to avoid. Mostly.

Not so with terrifying killer clowns.

These clowns mean business. They appear on the edges of parks and cemeteries and Wal Mart parking lots. Some carry axes or machetes. Some have tried to lure children away with candy or balloons. They all move deliberately. When called out, the creepy clown might turn around slowly, stand, stare, and then suddenly start sprinting toward the onlooker. The most popular videos show this same behavior. A reasonable conclusion is they are graduates of the same evil clown college. We owe collective thanks to the brave videographers who ignored their pants-wetting terror to bring us this evidence.

The creepiest video I’ve seen is from a security camera on someone’s front porch. The clown calmly steps up to the front door, looks around a bit, and, once it notices the camera, turns toward it, freezes and stares directly into the lens. Cold. Unmoving. For several minutes. Then calmly walks off into the night, to the next undefended porch. Apparently three or four security cameras in the neighborhood captured the same clown on the same night acting in the same disturbing way at each stop.

My research revealed that creepy clown sightings go all the way back to the ’80s. The clowns appear in August and continue their silent vigil through Halloween. This leads me to believe they are migratory, and might winter someplace warm like California, where they can blend in with the rest of the population.

Speculation is running rampant about why the clowns fell from their “scary but funny” rung in society to full-on “creepy killer”.  Perhaps they are escapees from dilapidated mental asylums. Maybe they suffered a terrible accident doing their “50 clowns in a Fiat” trick. Perhaps they are mime school dropouts, and silently spread their bitter disappointment with threatening hand gestures and hollow stares. Maybe they finally leveled up, and this is the natural progression all clowns undergo.

Personally, I believe this plague is just the latest attempt by God to warn us of our sinful ways and turn to Jesus Christ for forgiveness. The conversation probably went something like this:

God: “I will warn them again. This time it will be a frog plague.”
Jesus: “Classic, but they didn’t heed you last time.”
God: “This time it will be a cartoon frog.”
Jesus: “I like it! It will provide solace to the saints and warning to the wicked.”
God: “And if that doesn’t work, I’ll unleash a plague of clowns.”

I asked a police officer friend of mine some pointed questions, in an attempt to determine what to do if you happen to find yourself in a staring contest with one of these psycho cosplayers. None of this information should be taken as legal advice.

You aren’t allowed to hunt clowns. I know. I was disappointed by that information, too. You also aren’t allowed to tie a small child to playground equipment in order to entice a clown out from their natural cover. That would be considered baiting. So in addition to murder charges you’d also have the forest service cops looking to make an example of you. If a clown is in a roadway, you can’t mindfully “skim” him and run over his comically oversized shoes. Not even as a warning.

Once one of these creepy killer clowns brandishes a weapon, you are allowed to defend yourself. My state is insane but even here they allow you to take action against an axe-wielding clown running silently toward you. In places like Chicago you can only use comical squirt flowers, balloon swords, or water balloons. Like those are carried by anyone.

Some people don’t believe the hysteria. They think the videos you can readily find on YouTube are all faked. I can tell you the clowns are real. The main reason I took an interest when this story went viral last week is because Codex and I encountered one. Yes, for real.

In August of 2015 we attended the world science fiction convention in Spokane, Washington. We dropped off friends at the airport on Sunday morning at 3:00am, and stopped at a gas station shortly afterwards. I pulled up to the pump, started to fill the car, and noticed him. A guy (or gal) dressed in a clown outfit. He had a big bushy wig, his face was covered in metallic silvery paint, and he wore oversized sunglasses. He stood near the entrance of the mini mart, staring at the pumps. He didn’t move. Every couple of minutes he would do a creepy dance that only lasted a couple of seconds, and never moved his head while doing it.

At first I thought it was a mechanical clown device on a motion sensor. Something to dissuade armed robbers. The dance moves were a little different each time, though, and nothing was nearby or moving to trigger them. I know I didn’t move. I hopped back in the car as quickly as I could and locked the doors. Codex had noticed him too. Both of us had that sixth-sense dread feeling you get, which security experts explain should always be heeded. Your unconscious self can sense danger long before your conscious self will register it.

We were at least a mile from the convention center. None of the attendees was capable of walking that far.

Normally this is the type of problem congress loves to overreact to, unleashing hilarious unintended consequences on all of us. Not so this time. Democrats are busy complaining that Trump said something rude and declaring Hillary the winner of the election. Republicans are busy complaining that Trump said something rude and demanding he resign as their candidate. Their plate is full. No help is coming.

This means it is up to us, my fellow citizens, to stick together, use common sense, and ask an important question:

Scooby Doo, Where Are You?!

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The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop — tempestinateardrop.com