“Death Truck”: A movie script parody featuring Clown World and free delivery; Part 3
— Written by Quizzer —
“We killed God, and reaped a plague of stupidity for our evil.” – Clown World Lament, c. 2019
—- “Death Truck” first appeared at tempestinateardrop.com —-
Scene XX – Victory in Charlotte
[Setting] The Alexa II black helicopter. Relentless highway patrolman Keanu Reeves, President Donald Trump, benevolent oligarch Jeff Bezos, and the laid-off trucker-who-learned-to-code super-hacker Dane Taggart discuss their plan to save free shipping for all Americans. Jeff Bezos, in the pilot’s seat, switches the Alexa II into autopilot mode so he can join the others in the passenger compartment. Cue disguised-expository-plan-reveal music.
Bezos: “Alexa, autopilot mode. Follow the I-85.”
Alexa: “I’m sorry; I don’t understand.”
Bezos: “Alexa, switch to autopilot.”
Alexa: “I don’t know how to do that.”
Taggart: “One sec.”
[Cut] Dane Taggart types briskly on his laptop. The three other men exchange doubtful glances.
Taggart: “Alexa, switch to autopilot mode. Follow the I-85.”
Alexa: “Switching to autopilot mode. Would you like me to mirror the movements of the Death Truck at a safe distance?”
Bezos: “Yes. That’d be swell.”
Alexa: “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”
Keanu: “You said the H1B’s armor had a weakness. What is it?”
Taggart: “It’s true that microplastics are indestructible and extremely resistant to high-energy impacts. Its weakness is low-kinetic impacts.”
Taggart: “If you push the probe with the force of an impotent soy manlet into the Death Truck’s armor it will penetrate it. You need to hit the Master Quadline Bus on the roof of the H1B. It runs alongside three alternate Micro Buses. It’s the blue one. Or at least, it would be if the armor was see-through. It’s located directly above the two sensor arrays on the windshield, about six inches behind the row of spikes on top of the cab.”
Keanu: “The force of an impotent soy manlet? How much force is that?”
Taggart: “It’s what it takes to open a small bottle of Italian Sparkling Mineral Water.”
Keanu: “It’s a death sentence. The sensors will detect me as I drop in. I’ll be incinerated, or spiked, or who knows what else.”
Taggart: “The truck uses Huawei z121 sensor arrays. They’re pretty good, but they too have a weakness. Direct sunlight crossing their detection arrays at a 15° from vertical angle will blind them. Such an angle will occur when the truck passes Charlotte and turns north on I-85 during the hour before sunset. You’ll have a three-minute window to descend, insert the probe, and get back safely aboard.”
Taggart: “The window opens in less than an hour.”
Keanu: “Sounds easy enough.”
Taggart: “It won’t be. Inserting the probe is going to be like a first-year nurse trying to draw blood. You have to hit the artery just right, and if you miss you’ll have to pull it out slowly and try again.”
Trump: “What do you think our chances are, Taggart?”
Taggart: “Mr. President, if we were rolling a D20, we’d need a 2 or less.”
Bezos: “This doesn’t sound like a very promising plan.”
Taggart: “If I had a laser pointer, I could highlight the area where the probe needs to be set.”
[Cut] Jeff Bezos types furiously on his wrist pad. The pad is standard-issue for oligarchs, but Bezos has customized his with a military camouflage skin. A delivery drone flits up, drops off a small package, and leaves as quickly as it arrived. The others look at him in shock.
Bezos: “What? It’s from my fulfillment center in Charlotte. One laser pointer, Taggart.”
Taggart: “Okay, now we’re looking at a 4 or less. If we had a grappling hook and high tensile steel line–”
[Cut] Another delivery drone arrives.
Bezos: “Like these? What else?”
Taggart: “With flameproof shock-resistant tactical vests for the four of us we’d be looking at a 15. Maybe a 16.”
Bezos: “Done. How do we kick this up to a 20?”
Taggart: “Food. None of us have eaten in over a day.”
Bezos: “I know a great Mexican restaurant close by. That okay?”
Trump: “I love Taco Bowls.”
[Cut] The four heroes enjoy their authentic Mexican food from a fabulous nearby Mexican restaurant. It’s run by an American immigrant family unfortunate enough to have been born in North Korea. The cooks are Americans who were unfortunate enough to have been born in Somalia. The waitress was born in Charlotte. She’ll eventually be found guilty of white supremacy and replaced by Jahandra, an American unfortunate enough to have been born in India. It’s the most fabulous and authentic Mexican food you can get east of St. Louis, where an even more authentic Mexican restaurant, run by four Americans unfortunate enough to have been born in Burma, employ three Brazilian–
[Dub: Alright, Quizzer, knock it off. We get it. You don’t like Mexican food.]
[Cut] Keanu Reeves pauses mid-bite. He looks toxically masculine in his sleeveless camouflage flameproof and shock-resistant tactical vest, hair whipping in the breeze, gliding smoothly above the Death Truck 100 feet below. The sun, heavy with fatigue, will soon be setting. Cue manly-strategic-window-will-soon-open music.
Keanu: “So that’s it then, 20 or less. This will work for sure.”
Taggart: “No, Reeves, because the Death Truck gets a saving throw. And it rolls on a D100.”
[Cut] Shadows rapidly shift across the passenger bay as the Alexa II black helicopter turns north above the I-85. Cue suspenseful-nerdy-D&D-reference music.
Trump: “What happens after the probe is in place, Taggart?”
Taggart: “I’ll download the virus code from here. We’ll need to maintain a distance of 20 feet or less. Can you do that, Bezos?”
Bezos: “Not a problem for the best chopper pilot in the world.”
Taggart: “Good. I’ll hide the virus in its Neural Netware and make real-time adjustments as the H1B defends itself from my override commands. It will take a couple of minutes, maybe more.”
Trump: “Genius, Taggart. You’re a real credit to Americans all over the globe.”
Taggart: “It only appears that way, Sir. The super-American circa 2020 is just an average-American circa 1990.”
[Cut] The four men look grimly at the truck below them, resolved to carry out their dangerous mission. The sun creeps lower. Cue suspenseful the-big-showdown-is-coming music.
[Cut] The Death Truck speeds at 95 mph up the I-85 interstate highway, destined to reach the White (not racist) House in Washington DC. It no longer senses the helicopter flying suspiciously 100 feet above it. It’s sensors are blinded by the sunlight crossing their detection array at a 15° angle. Cue tense tactical-window-opens music.
[Cut] Jeff Bezos corkscrews the Alexa II agilely into position 20 feet above the cab of the speeding truck. A normal helicopter would have crashed while attempting such a feat, but the Alexa II isn’t a normal helicopter, and Jeff Bezos isn’t a normal pilot. Keanu Reeves leaps out. The high-tensile steel line stiffens as he lands, placing him directly on the windshield between the twin, temporarily blinded, Huawei z121 sensor arrays.
[Cut] Keanu Reeves begins to crawl up the windshield. The armor is slicker than it looks. He loses purchase and slides down to the hood. He tries again, but the result is the same. Trump and Taggart look helplessly from the open passenger bay.
Trump: “It’s no good! It’s too slippery!”
Bezos: “I’ll help him.”
[Cut] Jeff Bezos nudges the stick back. The helicopter falls back 5 feet, dragging Keanu Reeves up the incline of the windshield.
Bezos: “Alexa, slowly retract high-tensile steel cable until I say otherwise.”
Alexa: “Retracting high-tensile steel cable. Should I order a set of pulleys for you?”
Bezos: “Alexa, stop!”
[Cut] Keanu Reeves has reached the curved spikes lining the top of the cab. He crawls into position and looks up at Taggart, who is aiming the laser pointer as carefully as possible. It isn’t in the exact spot due to the vibrations of the chopper, but it’s close. Cue tense one-minute-of-the-three-minute-window-is-up music.
[Cut] Keanu Reeves takes a deep breath and gently pushes on the probe with the force of an impotent soy manlet. It penetrates the impenetrable armor of the Death Truck. Dane Taggart monitors the data it produces on his laptop.
Taggart: “No. That’s the Flux Resistor Micro Bus. It’s yellow, by the way, in case we get to see the Death Trucks brain without the armor. Try again.”
[Cut] Keanu Reeves slowly withdraws the probe, moves it to his left 20mm, and tries again. That’s about 2/3rds of an inch for our less-educated American viewers, so that’s pretty close.
Taggart: “Hold on… negatory. That’s a negatory. You hit the chartreuse Micro Bus.”
[Cut] Keanu Reeves slowly withdraws the probe and tries again.
[Cut] H1B Interior.
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Security Alert! Unspecified Security Threat Detected!”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Sensor Error.”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Consulting Neural Netware.”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Precautionary Security Measures: Activated”
[Cut] Keanu Reeves shifts his weight to try the probe yet again. One foot is wedged on a security spike, the other is planted on the roof of the cab. Pulses of adrenaline make it difficult to push the probe gently enough. He can feel the tactical window evaporating, which doesn’t make the situation any easier. Cue tense The-Death-Truck-Can-Wake-Up-At-Any-Time music.
[Cut] Spikes all over the truck begin to swivel, searching out suspicious-seeming thieves who may be trying to break in. Keanu is pushed forward, and the sudden weight shift throws off his balance, which applies too much force on the probe. It fails to penetrate the armor.
[Cut] H1B Interior.
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Abnormal Resistance Detected: Spike 5r.”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Consulting Neural Netware.”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Possible Thief Detected: 65% probability.”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Calculating Response.”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Rolling D100. Result==57.”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Success!”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Activate Anti-Theft Spikes. Continue Sensor Monitoring.”
[Cut] Spikes all over the truck begin to rotate and jab wildly. Keanu Reeves scrambles about, delaying his inevitable impalement. He continues to try to sink the probe into the Master Quadratic Bus. It’s even more difficult now.
Trump: “He’s done for! Get him out of there!”
Bezos: “Not on my watch! Mr. President, take the stick.”
[Cut] Jeff Bezos prepares to jump onto the roof of the truck from the open helicopter bay above.
Taggart: “Are you insane? We only have one high-tensile steel–”
[Cut] A delivery drone zips away from the Alexa II. Jeff Bezos guiltily shrugs his shoulders, smiles, and leaps out of the passenger bay.
[Cut] Jeff Bezos lands with a thud on the roof of the H1B. The spikes, sensing their target, swivel and jab wildly in his direction. The helicopter begins to fishtail erratically as the President takes the stick. Cue tense It’s-All-Going-Wrong music.
Bezos: “Sink it!”
Taggart: “Alexa, stabilize chopper.”
Keanu: “I guess all of us are suicide jockeys.”
[Cut] Keanu Reeves calmly pushes the probe through the armor of the truck.
Taggart: “Receiving signal. Interpreting bit flow pattern…”
Taggart: “That’s it! You’ve done it! Get out of there!”
[Cut] Keanu Reeves looks briefly into Jeff Bezos’ eyes, and they both look down. A spike has penetrated the oligarchs calf.
Keanu: “No, I’m not leaving you!”
Bezos: “You have no choice.”
[Cut] Bezos reaches out and flips the emergency retract lever on Keanu Reeves’ high-tensile steel cable. Keanu Reeves soars up to the relative safety of the Alexa II. Cue Heroic-Oligarch-Sacrifices-Self-For-America Music.
Keanu: “No! I can’t believe he did-”
[Cut] Jeff Bezos is standing safely on the external foot rail outside the passenger bay of the Alexa II. He smiles at Reeves, and holds up his wrist with the high-tech wrist gadget attached.
Bezos: “Holographic Projected Image. Fooled you. Fooled the truck too. I use it when I visit any of my fulfillment warehouses, or whenever there’s the danger of assassins. It’s good to be an oligarch.”
Taggart: “This isn’t over! I’m losing the signal! We need to get closer!”
[Cut] Jeff Bezos takes the stick from President Trump.
Bezos: “Good job, Mr. President, but I should take over again.”
[Cut] Donald Trump hops out of the pilot’s chair and looks relieved to once again be in charge of the entire mission, and not just the helicopter-flying part of the mission. Cue suspenseful this-isn’t-over music.
[Cut] H1B Interior
Panel (flashing, red): “Sensors Back Online”
Panel (flashing, red): “Thief Status: Repelled”
Panel (flashing, red): “Conducting Full Sensor Sweep”
Panel (flashing, red): “Overhead Object Detected.”
[Cut] A picture of the Alexa II with Dane Taggart looking out of the passenger bay and furiously typing on his laptop appears on the display panel.
Panel (flashing, red): “Analyzing Threat.”
Panel (flashing, red): “Theft Attempt Detected.”
Panel (flashing, red): “Consulting Neural Netware.”
Panel (flashing, red): “Countermeasure Evaluation: Flamethrower Vertical Leap”
Panel (flashing, red): “Threat Neutralization Odds: 93%”
Panel (flashing, red): “Preparing for Maneuver.”
Cue Severe-Consequences-If-Hacking-Fails music.
[Cut] Dane Taggart pounds furiously on his laptop like a channer who has detected a shill.
Taggart: “The virus is downloaded, but the Neural Netware keeps adapting. I’m making modifications, but it’s like sparring with a hundred separate minds all vying for status, raises, and promotions.”
[Cut] The flamethrowers lining the bottom of the Death Truck start firing in sequence.
Taggart: “I’m in! Ordering the truck to jettison the freight bay. Without the freight, it has no reason to continue its journey and should stop, waiting for its next delivery coordinates.”
Trump: “Maybe House Speaker Nancy Pelosi could use a fresh case of Botox?”
[Cut] H1B Interior.
Panel (flashing, red): “Countermeasures: Over-ride code received.”
Panel (flashing, red): “Code Received: Jettison Freight Bay”
Panel (flashing, red): “Detachment: Imminent”
Panel (flashing, red): “Neural Netware Emergency Code 657”
Panel (flashing, red): “Activate Detachment Countermeasures”
Panel (flashing, red): “Logic Error”
Panel (flashing, red): “Logic Error”
Panel (flashing, red): “Logic Error: Resolved”
[Cut] The Death Truck, travelling at 95 mph on the I-85, detaches the freight bay, which slides off the road and skids to a stop. Unfortunately for the Alexa II, the H1B fired every one of the spikes lining it before detachment. Three spikes penetrate the tail. The Alexa II bursts into flame, gyrates wildly about, and crashes fifty feet from the wreckage.
[Cut] Rather than stopping to receive new shipping orders, the fully-armored cab of the H1B Death Truck continues its trek.
Scene XXI – Pyrrhic Victory
[Cut] The four shaken men crawl from the wreckage of the Alexa II black helicopter. Oligarch and pilot Jeff Bezos managed to crash it in just the right way: Spectacularly, but with no injuries. The crash was also quieter than the crash a normal helicopter would make. Cue spectacular-crash-and-improbable-survival music.
[Cut] The flameproof shock-resistant tactical vest each man was wearing, arriving at the last minute via free drone delivery, might have had something to do with it, too. However, when the official write-up is published by the Washington Post, the survivors will credit their lives to ‘free shipping’. Snopes will confirm it and Wikipedia will scrub any further speculation as ‘conspiracy theory’. The ADL will add any doubters to their list of things they hate. Google will make sure these Haters’ existence becomes online-free, while the FBI makes sure that they become intimately familiar with the nation’s prison system.
[Cut] A bedraggled Dane Taggart holds his laptop, which also survived the crash thanks to free shipping.
Taggart: “I don’t understand. It should have stopped. It delivered its cargo.”
Trump: “Well, can we at least see what I ordered? I didn’t think it was that big, but Mobile Fortress could have upped it to Trump-Size for their debut delivery campaign.”
[Cut] The four heroes approach the now-impotent but still-fully-armored freight bay. Cue suspenseful possible-last-minute-booby-trap music.
Keanu: “The doors won’t open. There’s no handle.”
Taggart: “One sec.”
[Cut] Dane Taggart types calmly on his keyboard. The doors pop open with a loud ‘Pssshhh’ as the freshness seal is broken. Keanu Reeves swings open one door while Jeff Bezos mans the other. The four men stare in shock at the contents.
Trump: “What’s all that stuff? I didn’t order any of that.”
[Cut] For the first time in this ludicrously-long post, the audience sees the contents of the cargo pod. It’s filled with tanks, pipes and high-tech gizmos.
Bezos: “It’s fuel. Pumps. Napalm. Probably electrocution equipment if they hadn’t edited out the improbable ‘Death Truck escape at Little Rock’ scene.”
Trump: “But then, where’s my ord–”
Taggart: “It’s in the cab. The Death Truck needed an entire tractor-trailer to enable its anti-theft devices.”
Keanu: “It should be easy to stop it then. Without this stuff it’s relatively helpless.”
Bezos: “Who will do that?”
Keanu: “There must be some government agency left that wants a shot at it?”
Taggart: “No. We were the last chance to stop the Death Truck before it hits the White (not racist) House. Everyone knows the closer you get to Washington–”
Trump: “The less competent government gets. That’s sadly true, Mr. Taggart, but there’s still one obstacle left in the Death Trucks path.”
Keanu: “And that is?”
Trump: “The steely gaze of Vice President Mike Pence.”
Bezos: “I’ll summon my other helicopter. It should be here soon.”
Cue Hurry-Up-And-Wait-For-The-Backup-Helicopter music.
Scene XXII – Mr. Death Truck Goes to Washington.
[Cut] Washington DC. Show dramatic footage of the Death Truck pulling onto Constitution Avenue – aka The Mall – and heading for the White (not racist) House at a speed of 95 mph. The public, having followed the saga across the country, has come out to see the epic finale. Democrats line the left side of the street; Republicans line the right. Most of the West Wing lickspittles and half of the West Wing toadies stand on the left. The White House has been evacuated. If the steely gaze of Mike Pence fails to stop the Death Truck, it will crash into and likely destroy the historic building. Shipping companies should use the GPS coordinates of the receiving center, not the coordinates of the Oval Office, when making future deliveries.
[Cut] Levi Maddox stands near the front gate, watching the steely-eyed Mike Pence stare bravely at the approaching armored killing vehicle. Maddox has already contacted his technicians in Silicon Valley to figure out how to do better with the H1C. An at-risk malnourished homeless orphan child runs behind him in the background. It’s being chased by an adrenochrome-addicted celebutard. We know it’s an adrenochrome-addicted celebutard because it’s Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Or possibly her ghost.
[Cut] H1B Interior.
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Approaching Destination”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “GPS Coordinates locked”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Approach Vector Calculated”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Unknown Obstacle Detected”
[Cut] A still picture of the steely-eyed Vice President appears on the panel.
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Human Face Detected”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Running Facial Recognition Algorithm”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Results: Inconclusive”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Consulting Neural Netware”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Refining Facial Recognition Parameters”
[Cut] The algorithm highlights the eyes of Mike Pence, as if measuring the strength of his will. The evaluation rectangle flashes as its Neural Netware calculates its chances of success.
[Cut] The airspace over Richmond, Virginia. Jeff Bezos is flying his backup helicopter. President Trump, Dane Taggart, and Keanu Reeves are in the passenger compartment watching the Death Truck approach an unflinching, steely-eyed Vice President Mike Pence. The 96″ flat screen television took four synchronized drones to arrive safely. Every television station in the world has tuned in. It will take another hour to reach Washington DC, far too late to do anything but gawk at the destruction. Cue Last-Line-Of-Defense dramatic music.
[Cut] H1B Interior.
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Facial Recognition Algorithm Complete”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Conclusion: Face Outside Normal Human Parameters”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Conclusion: Unknown Object”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Determining Security Response”
[Panel] (flashing, red): “Executing Delivery – Code 001”
[Cut] The front gate of the White (not racist) House. The Death Truck plows into Vice President Mike Pence, having determined that his steely gaze was, in fact, not human. Pence doesn’t have to live with his failure.
[Cut] Democrats along The Mall cheer.
[Cut] Joe, Mika and the MSNBC studio wags cheer.
[Cut] President Donald Trump cheers.
[Cut] The Death Truck explodes through the main gate, approaches the West Wing at 95 mph, and rams the wall of the Oval Office, where it comes to a safe, screeching stop. It’s three feet from the President’s desk. Jared and Ivanka remain stiffly sitting on the sofa, unfazed by the intrusion.
[Cut] Secret Service agents swarm the impact site, weapons drawn, ready for action. They haven’t faced this kind of threat before, and nobody is quite sure what to do. The Death Truck opens a slot on what would be the driver side window, if it had a driver or a window. It produces a touch-screen pad. The text reads “Signature Required: Donald Trump. The fine print beneath the signature box reads, “To prevent theft, a valid signature must be entered within three minutes or this unit will self destruct. Have a nice day!”
[Cut] Jeff Bezos’ backup helicopter, somewhere over Richmond. Bezos is getting an important message from the Secret Service, which he relays to the three men in the passenger bay.
Bezos: “It seems the Death Truck had a final curve ball after all. It’s sitting in your office, Mr. President, and it needs your signature.”
Trump: “Have my secretary sign for it.”
Bezos: “That isn’t good enough, Mr. Trump. Without your signature, it will self-destruct. To prevent the theft of your merchandise, you see.”
Trump: “How long do we have, Jeff?”
Bezos: “Three minutes. Well, two minutes and 45 seconds now.”
Keanu: “What? We’re at least an hour out! We’ll never make it!”
[Cut] Jeff Bezos smiles confidently.
Bezos: “Did you think this was my backup helicopter or something? This is my main chopper: the Alexa Prime. Not only is it much, much, quieter and much, much, more maneuverable than a regular helicopter, it’s much, much, faster too. Strap in, gentlemen. I’m going to hit the Overthrust RocketsTM.”
Bezos: “Alexa, calculate optimal burn rate and trajectory to reach the Oval Office of the White (not racist) House in a maximum of 135 seconds.”
Alexa: “I’m unfamiliar with that destination. There’s a historical ‘White House’ in Washington DC. Shall I take you there?”
Bezos: “Yes. Do it now.”
Alexa: “Okay. Calculating route. Would you like an extra shipment of fuel to be delivered on the way?”
Bezos: “No! Just fire the Overthrusters!”
[Cut] If Vice President Mike Pence were still alive, standing at the Main Gate of the White (not racist) House, his steely eyes would spy, for just a moment, a rocket-propelled helicopter shooting gracefully over the Washington Monument. And for that moment, the impersonal, concrete, governmental phallus would be transformed into a beautifully lit candle. A symbol of hope, and governmental benevolence. A prophecy, and a promise, of change to come. He’d shed a single, steely tear, and give up his essence, his body fading away, having glimpsed the future, and seen that it was good.
Instead, he ended up as a thick meat paste on the grill of the Death Truck. We’re in Clown World. It couldn’t be any other way.
[Cut] The Alexa Prime killed the Overthrust RocketsTM at the last second and landed on the lawn outside the Oval Office much, much, more crisply than a regular helicopter would. President Trump, Dane Taggart, Keanu Reeves, and Jeff Bezos rush through the rubble, past the blank-faced duo of Jared and Ivanka, to the waiting signature pad at the window of the Death Truck.
[Cut] The President signs the pad with three seconds to spare. It retracts through the narrow delivery slot.
Death Truck: “Signature verified. We know you had a choice of free delivery companies. Thank you for choosing Mobile Fortress.”
[Cut] A small, thin object is pushed through the delivery slot. The President receives the post-Thanksgiving entertainment he was promised: The Apprentice, Season 3.
[Cut] H1B Interior
[Panel] (flashing, green) “Job Satisfaction: +100000”
[Panel] (flashing, green) “Awaiting New Delivery Coordinates”
[Panel] (flashing, green) “Theft Detection System: Disabled”
Scene XXIII – Happy Ending
[Cut] The President is sitting behind the Resolute Desk in what is left of the oval office. Dane Taggart, Keanu Reeves, and Jeff Bezos stand respectfully nearby. Levi Maddox shifts uncomfortably across from the President, sandwiched between two burly Secret Service agents. His man-bun is definitely sagging. The Death Truck, which has managed to go 20 minutes without causing mayhem, is a silent witness to the proceedings. The, err, gravitas of former Vice President Mike Pence fills the air. It has a bit of a diesel smell. Cue Oval-Office-Happy-Resolution music.
Maddox: “No Mr. President, you can’t. We’re a private corporation. We can do anything we want. This is America, isn’t it?”
Piper: “I’m afraid he’s right, Mr. President.”
[Cut] Four-star General Thomas ‘Pipe’ Piper strides rigidly into the room. He stands at attention.
Piper: “Mr. Maddox’s help was indispensable in our efforts to stop the H1B Automated Truck. We made certain guarantees in exchange.”
Trump: “What guarantees might those be, General?”
Piper: “That’s classified sir. Need to know only.”
Bezos: “Oh horse-”
Trump: “No, Jeff, it’s just the way things work. You wouldn’t like it here. My days are spent juggling Lickspittles and Toadies. I enjoyed our little field trip, but I have to get back to my job.”
Trump: “You’re free to go, Mr. Maddox, but I have to tell you: I’m never ordering from Mobile Fortress again. I suspect most consumers won’t be interested, either.”
Maddox: “You’re wrong, Mr. President. Americans want free shipping. Americans need free shipping. They want to know that their purchases are secure, and will arrive via trucks programmed to die before dishonor. Americans love free shipping, Mr. President, and they’ll pay any price to get it!”
[Cut] Maddox storms out of the Oval Office, escorted by Secret Service agents. He turns to deliver a final quip.
Maddox: “I’ll send someone for my truck.”
[Cut] Keanu Reeves, Dane Taggart, and Jeff Bezos watch would-be oligarch and Mobile Fortress CEO Levi Maddox stride righteously away. His man-bun bobs sharply.
Keanu: “That’s it then? All those deaths? All the property damage? He just gets away with it?”
Trump: “Mr. Reeves, economic experts are predicting GDP growth of 3.8% over the next decade as we rebuild. The Dow is up 737 points on the news. I’ll take that as a win.”
Bezos: “Come on you two. I’ll give you a ride back to the left coast. I know a great little Thai restaurant outside Billings. It’s run by a couple of Eskimos.”
Taggart: “It was a pleasure, Mr. President. The only thing left is to run the end credits?”
[Cut] Jared and Ivanka give a final simulnod, and the credits roll. Cue upbeat-happy-ending-with-possible-sequel-Death-Truck-Assassins music.
Scene XXIV – End Credits
“Death Truck”: A movie script parody featuring Clown World and free delivery
Annoying Barking Dog: Calcifer (Shut. Up.); the rabbits are going to rabbit.
Hidden jokes appear courtesy of Owen Benjamin and CW McCall. Inspiration by Zero Hedge and Ilk of various guises. They know who they are.
Follow @quizzer and @codex on gab(dot)com.
Many apostrophes were murdered during the writing of this script. They fought bravely, but in the end their misplaced-death’s were inevitable. Viva public education. Home school or die.
No clowns were laughed at in the writing of this script. Washington is one of the 43.
The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop: The Churchians — tempestinateardrop.com