*** This originally ran in May of 2016. It is still a thing. They are still out there. Run. ***
On May 14, around two dozen students from Santa Monica College met at Santa Monica Beach to marry the Pacific Ocean.
I translated this from the video. Of course there is a video.
“Today we stand upon this holy earth, and in this sacred space, to witness the rite of matrimony between the sea and us all. Thus as we come together as family and friends, so we ask the Lady and the Lord of the Wild Wood to present here within our circle, and the sacred union of this hand- [garbled] ceremony be filled with their holy presence. In the name of god, is love declared; and in the name of the goddess, is peace declared. In the name of ancestors whose traditions we honor, and in the name of those who gave us life, we are united here in love.”
These words were read by Bruce Chartier, a student whom the school paper, The Corsair, describes as “the guy who rides his bike around on campus with what appears to be a log balancing on his head.”
That, good, sane, and sober readers, is where this tale begins. I dove further. Humorist ethics required me to. However, the story grows ever more weird and adult in nature. It pushes the bounds of our PG-13 rating. Sensitive readers may want to “bail out” here. Everyone else should brace yourselves. Some things you can’t unread. After going as far as I was able, I’m down half a bottle of Old Raven.
The students were members of the Santa Monica College Ecosexual Club. Santa Monica, for those unfamiliar with the USA, is in California. Of course a story like this originates in California.
The “Ecosexual Movement” is a thing. It gives serious environmentalists who are bored and frustrated with the day-to-day task of haranguing the other people living on our planet an opportunity to take their relationship with her to the next level. In times past, Earth’s relationship with man was one of conflict. Man vs nature: man plundering her and scarring her with his highways, toxic waste dumps, and Captain Planet cartoons.
Over time, this evolved into the concept of Mother Earth. The Earth was man’s home, his protector, and his provider. The “Mother Earth Theology of Environmentalists” peaked with The Teletubbies in 2001. That show destroyed everything. In 2010, “ecosexual theology” was invented, and it has been ascending ever since.
Ecosexuals advance the idea that the Earth is man’s partner and lover. One might ponder upon that for a moment. Environmentalists want to take their relationship with Mother Earth to the next level by marrying her? Yes. Yes they do.
The marriage ceremony the Ecosexual Club held was actually the concluding event of an Ecosextravaganza held the day before. This “ecosexual boot camp” was held at the Women’s Club in Santa Monica, “an elegant space with delicate strings of lights and oriental lamps hanging above rows of folding chairs.” Apparently it was a sold-out crowd, and a first-time tryst with the ecosexual movement for many of the attendees.
Entertainment consisted of a booty-shaking woman singing a song about the earth; a female burlesque act waving a white flag and little else; and students from UC Santa Cruz performing an interpretive dance, complete with a large plastic sheet that had plastic bags attached to it.
Of course an Ecosextravaganza would feature interpretive dance. How would you know you’d been to one without it?
Mercifully, there is no video of this event.
The next day at noon the students gathered at the Pico Storm Drain beside Santa Monica Beach. In a meaningful, touching ceremony, led by ecosexual leaders Elizabeth (who goes by Beth) Stephens and Annie Sprinkle, the ecosexual club married the sea. Elizabeth Stephens is a professor at UC Santa Cruz. Annie Sprinkle is an ex-porn star from the 1970s.
Of course the ecosexual movement is led by a college professor and 62-year-old ex-porn star.
In conducting my research, many of the commenters asked about consent. Doesn’t marrying the ocean against her will violate every precept of the Social Justice philosophy? Fortunately, the question was addressed by one of the attendees, named Serenity (of course!). Serenity was described as wearing “fishnet from the neck down”, but was not otherwise identified. You might be able to find her in this picture, which I took from the video.
Serenity assured the reporter that every serious environmentalist knew how to obtain eco-consent. “Back when I would hug trees in Santa Cruz, I would sort of ask the tree if it was okay if I hugged it and I would feel their spirit or energy or something give a response back, and then proceed accordingly.”
Hey, that sounds good enough to me. Consent obtained. Go forth and consummate. Whatever gets us through this post fastest.
Beth and Annie emphasized that marrying the sea was a big commitment, and just because you were in attendance you didn’t have to go through with it. They would know. In 2008 Beth and Annie married the Earth at Santa Cruz, California. They married the Sky in Oxford, England and the Sea in Venice Italy (2009); the Moon in Los Angeles, the Appalachian Mountains in Athens, Ohio (2010), the Snow in Ottawa, Canada, the Rocks and Coal in Spain, and the Sun in San Francisco (2011). They also married Lake Kallavesi in Finland (2012) and the soil in Krems, Austria (2014). They are clearly experienced at marrying large earthly features, and the moon.
In 2011, they wrote the Ecosex Manifesto. I read through it. I think that was a mistake. “We shamelessly hug trees, massage the earth with our feet, and talk erotically to plants.” “We are polymorphous and pollen-amorous.” “We celebrate our E-spots.” There is lots more. Go. Read. Drink. My bottle is empty.
In fact, with all the travel to exotic locations, the ecosexual awareness circuit must pay quite well. I followed the money trail. It turns out that sex toy companies have contributed to the growing ecosexuality lifestyle movement. I made it to the part with “the release of the Good Vibrations’ Ecorotic Green Sex Toy Collection” when I conceded defeat. The internet wins. Someone else will have to pick up the baton and pursue this further. I recommend the heaviest anti-virus settings you can muster and a second bottle of Old Raven. One is not enough, and that is truly saying something.
Despite my incomplete research into the ecosexual movement, we can come away with several conclusions.
- You can’t beat the internet solo. Team up for your own sanity.
- Vox Day needs to put someone on this now. I know the Ilk undergo extensive anti-SJW training. None of them is prepared for this level of mental anguish.
- Should the ecosexual movement expand their marketing prowess with cat food companies, the resulting economic juggernaut might very well be unstoppable.
The Spork Speaks — Tempest in a Teardrop — tempestinateardrop.com