With the economy being what it is, lots of folks are looking for creative employment opportunities. We at Tempest in a Teardrop have done extensive research in order to introduce you to some odd jobs that are easily overlooked.
If we do inspire a career change, please let us know in the comments!
Have you considered becoming a pirate? Rep. Lance Gooden (R, Texas) introduced HR 6869 which would authorize the President of the United States to issue letters of marque to private citizens who could then legally plunder Russian assets. The last time the US hired privateers was during the War of 1812. That went swimmingly well for the country, so why not give an addle-brained Joe Biden the same power?
Piracy has many advantages. You can set your own hours, cavort with dolphins, tootle around the Caribbean, and dress like every day is casual Friday. You don’t have to be the stereotypical manscara-slathered syphilitic kind. You do have to wear the eye patch. That’s so other pirates know you’re a member of the club. It’s professional courtesy. It’s really embarrassing when pirates accidentally pillage one another.
Be sure and customize your American Flag by re-skinning it with a graphic to strike fear into the enemy before you legally board them. Maybe steal something from Grand Theft Auto V? This one is mine.
Piracy might not be practical for everyone due to the high start-up costs, but being a PIE is accessible to all. The only requirement is having a shoulder. PIE == Pseudo-Inoculation Expert, in case you didn’t know.
First, you need to find a buyer. They are easy to find.
Second, you need to acquire a fake ID in the name of your buyer, but with your face.
Third, head to any drug store and get one of those endless jabs they are constantly pushing on folks.
Fourth, hand over the newly-minted and completely valid vax card to your buyer.
You get to keep any incentives offered with your shot. You can acquire hundreds of dollars worth of merch and gift cards. This is probably, strictly speaking, not legal, but it isn’t like Pfizer is going to press charges.
This guy did it 90 times and lived to tell the tale to the police when they arrested him. If you’re younger, you might want to leave this to a pensioner tired of selling their never-ending supply of free blue pills on the grey market.
Kamala Harris Lickspittle
In case you didn’t know (and why would anyone?) Kamala Harris is the Vice President of the United States. She’s had 11 high-level staff lackeys leave their positions in the 14 months she’s been in office. Yes, she’s a woman. No, I’m not a biologist. Yes, the joke has worn itself out. No, don’t try to put a new spin on it in the comments.
She is a woman. You know it. I know it. Willie Brown certainly knows it. And most of the power brokers in Washington DC do too.
You could consider any one of the top-paying career choices below located at Number One Observatory Circle. They require some skill, but if you can withstand Kamala’s donkey-addled laugh 24/7 you’d be a shoe-in. Tinnitus might help.
Undersecretary of Time Management
You are responsible for appointments, meetings, fundraisers, dinners and the like. Be sure and leave time between events for showers and delousing.
Payoffs Campaign Funds
You are responsible for collecting campaign contributions in a legally-plausible way because The Kamala doesn’t touch money. Her hands are full with… other things.
Undersecretary of Relaxation
You are personally responsible for massaging Ms. Harris’ snood. This requires the highest level of clearance lest you reveal that she is really a lizard person.
You are responsible for the words that exit the Vice President’s mouth at important world-changing events. Here is a recent example:
So, Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country. Russia is a powerful country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine. So, basically, that’s wrong, and it goes against everything that we stand for.
Yep. It’s a low bar. If I could work from home I’d apply.
Russian Weapon Systems Liberation Expert
Apparently the Russians don’t lock their tanks at night and local farmers have been stealing them since day 1 of the invasion. You can tell the Russian ones because they have a “Z” on them. The “Z” is an illegal letter in both Ukraine and Germany so it makes the Russians extra-evil.
There. You just graduated basic training as a Russian Weapon Systems Liberation Expert.
The Ukrainian government is now offering bounties for various pieces of Russian weaponry. If you find yourself wandering about in the countryside, you might keep your eyes peeled.
The payoff amounts, in United States’ Dollars:
- Combat Aircraft – $1,000,000
- Combat Helicopter – $500,000
- Reactive Volley Fire System – $25,000 to $35,000
- Tank, Self-Propelled Ground Artillery – $100,000
- Infantry Fighting Vehicle – $50,000
- Military Vehicle (other) – $10,000
- Ships of 1st or 2nd Rank – $1,000,000
- Ships of 3rd or 4th Rank – $500,000
- Ships of Military Support – $200,000
- Ships of Small Combat – $50,000
It’s unclear where this money is coming from or how payments will be processed.
Some of you might be thinking, “I’ll steal a US tank, drive it to Ukraine, paint a big Z on it, and rake in a cool $100-grand.” Go for it! That’s called ‘arbitrage’ in the finance world and it’s perfectly legal. Congress can easily print a replacement tank, so take all you can.
Propaganda Special Agent
This job isn’t for everyone and it does take some specialized skills. If your soul is still mostly intact after the last couple of years you might want to “next” this one.
This video is 24 seconds long. The vehicle passes by several dead Ukrainians. It isn’t graphic. Watch it carefully.
Did you see that? The non-existent existing for-defensive-use-only secret bio-labs have unleashed Formula Z and ushered in the Zombie Apocalypse! It had to be the Russians! Again! The only other explanation is that they were faking war footage for dramatic and fundraising purposes, but that’s just ridiculous.
This is an example of propaganda. As a Narrative Enhancer, your job will be to produce compelling and irrefutable evidence that unquestioningly supports the Narrative. You’ll have a lot of competition so bring your best editing skills and imagination. As an independent, you’ll only get paid if your product lands at one of the big news outlets. You’ll need a long list of connections or a large social media presence to make this financially viable.
Maybe you could treat it as a hobby to start with.
This is my first attempt:
Not bad, eh?
President of the United States
And finally I’m including this one for completeness. It is not a job I’d want. We currently have an opening for the highest office in the land. You cannot tell me with a straight face it’s Joseph Robinette Biden. Not even his wife believes it.
You’ll have to cut through a lot of red tape and navigate an extensive interview process, but the pay is fantastic and you can drone whomever you like. You can even commission privateers! Laws don’t have to be passed any longer in order to be enforced. That only applied while Trump was President.
If any of you should be lucky enough to survive the process and seat yourself behind the Resolute Desk, would you please do the responsible thing and nuke Seattle?
“No, don’t try to put a new spin on it in the comments.”
Speaking of spin, “Spin Doctors” have a long tradition of high paying employment in DC. But now there are thousands of job openings all across the country, along with a large concentration at CDC headquarters in Atlanta.
Hmm… CDC and CNN are both in Atlanta. Coincidence? I think not!
A valiant attempt at getting Atlanta moved to the top of the “send nukes here” list, but I’m leaning into Author’s Privilege and keeping Seattle in the top spot.
There has to be at least one “no nuke” zone and an annoying court order to stop. How about a couple of HVMs dropped into Mt. Rainier, triggering that thousand-year eruption? You’ll have advance notice, and can watch the Ultimate Coffee Roast from a safe distance.
That seems like a very roundabout way of doing things, and takes out an innocent mountain. We’ve already lost Mt St Helens. I miss it.
Or… y’know MOAB of 2017 wasn’t technically a nuke…
So long as it hits the mayors condo…
John Wilder said:
Well done! And Crenshaw was in the Navy. And Nancy? She has the ‘Rona.
She’s pickled all of her internal organs. The virus has nothing to attack. Poor virus.
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Tribute Rock Band
Sing covers to all those gray-haired Boomers. Easy listening hits like:
Nineteenth Booster Shot Now
We’ve Only Boosted Twice
Rampway to Heaven
All You Need is Cash (actual parody)
I prefer hair metal bands playing pillow ballads, but it’s all good. Except for “We’ve Only Boosted Twice.” I find the melody cloying.