Checking in – We’re Not Dead!

… yet.

But, things have continued apace. Much to my amazement, the landscaping is down to “manageable” in what we have left to do. The heavy lifting (20 yards of bark-dust) is up to the landscapers. It’s just money at this point. Our realtor will love it. We hope. We’re on acreage so we have to make about 2 (of seven) look like civilized people could live here.

We’ve been faking it for fifteen+ years. Having kids will do that.

Goodwill and the local women’s shelter love us. That’s important.

It’s snowing outside on April 14. It snowed yesterday too. It never snows this late. The TeeVee will blame global warming but we all know it’s Putin’s fault. He probably didn’t burn enough mammoth fat after digging it up for spite in Siberia. We told the grass shoots; they agreed not to die and we agreed not to mow them prematurely.

Our paint collection needed to be trimmed, so I found two huge sheets of cardboard, poured old, drunk paint onto them, and let ’em all out to dry. Don’t worry. The paint drank because it could legally buy the alcohol. Some of the cans dried out years ago because they secretly attended AA meetings and their lids were never properly hammered. Back on, I mean.

Packing… is a process. Apparently my strategy of “Here. It’s a box. Fill it.” isn’t good enough. We have to organize, coalesce, combine, sort, and put everything into a ‘hierarchy’. I blame the approximately 1000 hours of DEI training Codex has attended in the last 12 months. All the boxes need to be equal or we’ll suffer even more intolerable YouTube adds.

Speaking of Codex: she is job hunting. We have several leads, so we’re praying that we’ll be led someplace besides here. Did you know both Redfin and Zillow will let you scroll across the map and will automagically fill in real estate needs according to your whims? Amazing! Both Blade Runner and Robocop were terrible at prophesying the future. I’m still a firm believer in Mad Max. The second movie, not the first. We’re welding propane tanks to our bumpers in prep.

Dramatic explosions don’t make themselves, people.

Now, someone type something pithy in the comments explaining to our dogs how two weeks of “Dog Camp” is awesome and they want to go on doggy vacation because otherwise… we’re looking at 30k+ of rental hell. There are no rentals, and what there are want a twelve-month lease at prices higher than our mortgage and approximately $2300 per dog. We. Live. In. Freaking. Insanity.

We’ll get through it.

–> Q

Odd Jobs

With the economy being what it is, lots of folks are looking for creative employment opportunities. We at Tempest in a Teardrop have done extensive research in order to introduce you to some odd jobs that are easily overlooked.

If we do inspire a career change, please let us know in the comments!

Pirate

Have you considered becoming a pirate? Rep. Lance Gooden (R, Texas) introduced HR 6869 which would authorize the President of the United States to issue letters of marque to private citizens who could then legally plunder Russian assets. The last time the US hired privateers was during the War of 1812. That went swimmingly well for the country, so why not give an addle-brained Joe Biden the same power?

Piracy has many advantages. You can set your own hours, cavort with dolphins, tootle around the Caribbean, and dress like every day is casual Friday. You don’t have to be the stereotypical manscara-slathered syphilitic kind. You do have to wear the eye patch. That’s so other pirates know you’re a member of the club. It’s professional courtesy. It’s really embarrassing when pirates accidentally pillage one another.

Be sure and customize your American Flag by re-skinning it with a graphic to strike fear into the enemy before you legally board them. Maybe steal something from Grand Theft Auto V? This one is mine.

PIE

Piracy might not be practical for everyone due to the high start-up costs, but being a PIE is accessible to all. The only requirement is having a shoulder. PIE == Pseudo-Inoculation Expert, in case you didn’t know.

First, you need to find a buyer. They are easy to find.

Second, you need to acquire a fake ID in the name of your buyer, but with your face.

Third, head to any drug store and get one of those endless jabs they are constantly pushing on folks.

Fourth, hand over the newly-minted and completely valid vax card to your buyer.

You get to keep any incentives offered with your shot. You can acquire hundreds of dollars worth of merch and gift cards. This is probably, strictly speaking, not legal, but it isn’t like Pfizer is going to press charges.

This guy did it 90 times and lived to tell the tale to the police when they arrested him. If you’re younger, you might want to leave this to a pensioner tired of selling their never-ending supply of free blue pills on the grey market.

Kamala Harris Lickspittle

In case you didn’t know (and why would anyone?) Kamala Harris is the Vice President of the United States. She’s had 11 high-level staff lackeys leave their positions in the 14 months she’s been in office. Yes, she’s a woman. No, I’m not a biologist. Yes, the joke has worn itself out. No, don’t try to put a new spin on it in the comments.

She is a woman. You know it. I know it. Willie Brown certainly knows it. And most of the power brokers in Washington DC do too.

You could consider any one of the top-paying career choices below located at Number One Observatory Circle. They require some skill, but if you can withstand Kamala’s donkey-addled laugh 24/7 you’d be a shoe-in. Tinnitus might help.

Undersecretary of Time Management

You are responsible for appointments, meetings, fundraisers, dinners and the like. Be sure and leave time between events for showers and delousing.

Undersecretary of Payoffs Campaign Funds

You are responsible for collecting campaign contributions in a legally-plausible way because The Kamala doesn’t touch money. Her hands are full with… other things.

Undersecretary of Relaxation

You are personally responsible for massaging Ms. Harris’ snood. This requires the highest level of clearance lest you reveal that she is really a lizard person.

Speech Writer

You are responsible for the words that exit the Vice President’s mouth at important world-changing events. Here is a recent example:

So, Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country. Russia is a powerful country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine. So, basically, that’s wrong, and it goes against everything that we stand for.

Yep. It’s a low bar. If I could work from home I’d apply.

Russian Weapon Systems Liberation Expert

Apparently the Russians don’t lock their tanks at night and local farmers have been stealing them since day 1 of the invasion. You can tell the Russian ones because they have a “Z” on them. The “Z” is an illegal letter in both Ukraine and Germany so it makes the Russians extra-evil.

There. You just graduated basic training as a Russian Weapon Systems Liberation Expert.

The Ukrainian government is now offering bounties for various pieces of Russian weaponry. If you find yourself wandering about in the countryside, you might keep your eyes peeled.

The payoff amounts, in United States’ Dollars:

  • Combat Aircraft – $1,000,000
  • Combat Helicopter – $500,000
  • Reactive Volley Fire System – $25,000 to $35,000
  • Tank, Self-Propelled Ground Artillery – $100,000
  • Infantry Fighting Vehicle – $50,000
  • Military Vehicle (other) – $10,000
  • Ships of 1st or 2nd Rank – $1,000,000
  • Ships of 3rd or 4th Rank – $500,000
  • Ships of Military Support – $200,000
  • Ships of Small Combat – $50,000

It’s unclear where this money is coming from or how payments will be processed.

Some of you might be thinking, “I’ll steal a US tank, drive it to Ukraine, paint a big Z on it, and rake in a cool $100-grand.” Go for it! That’s called ‘arbitrage’ in the finance world and it’s perfectly legal. Congress can easily print a replacement tank, so take all you can.

Propaganda Special Agent

This job isn’t for everyone and it does take some specialized skills. If your soul is still mostly intact after the last couple of years you might want to “next” this one.

This video is 24 seconds long. The vehicle passes by several dead Ukrainians. It isn’t graphic. Watch it carefully.

Did you see that? The non-existent existing for-defensive-use-only secret bio-labs have unleashed Formula Z and ushered in the Zombie Apocalypse! It had to be the Russians! Again! The only other explanation is that they were faking war footage for dramatic and fundraising purposes, but that’s just ridiculous.

This is an example of propaganda. As a Narrative Enhancer, your job will be to produce compelling and irrefutable evidence that unquestioningly supports the Narrative. You’ll have a lot of competition so bring your best editing skills and imagination. As an independent, you’ll only get paid if your product lands at one of the big news outlets. You’ll need a long list of connections or a large social media presence to make this financially viable.

Maybe you could treat it as a hobby to start with.

This is my first attempt:

Not bad, eh?

President of the United States

And finally I’m including this one for completeness. It is not a job I’d want. We currently have an opening for the highest office in the land. You cannot tell me with a straight face it’s Joseph Robinette Biden. Not even his wife believes it.

You’ll have to cut through a lot of red tape and navigate an extensive interview process, but the pay is fantastic and you can drone whomever you like. You can even commission privateers! Laws don’t have to be passed any longer in order to be enforced. That only applied while Trump was President.

If any of you should be lucky enough to survive the process and seat yourself behind the Resolute Desk, would you please do the responsible thing and nuke Seattle?

Some Odds, Some Sodds

I didn’t want to do this but the comic has to officially go on hiatus. We have less than a month before we need to get the house on the market – something, something, money, roofer, wheezing. It’s hard to make out through the sobs of the checkbook.

But: Good Things are happening. Codex is looking for a new job and on a whim she checked a website and her Dream Job just opened up. She spent most of the day frantically applying. It will keep us in Washington but we’ll definitely be away from the blue hive that keeps creeping outward every month.

Also: We’ll be able to put the house on the market for much more than we originally thought when this all started around Thanksgiving. We’re shooting for May 1. It’ll be May 1, whether we’re ready or not. It might be sooner. Does anyone know of a bridge that isn’t already occupied? Does it take 75lb dogs? Maybe someplace that sells used yurts?

Finally: I’m really, really close to my “Ten Commandments for Churchians” to go live. I’m challenging myself to do three posts per week, and I’d really appreciate feedback. For those of you who blog or social media: mention them, blast them, whatever. I’m no expert, just hypothesizing. They need to be written, discussed, and refined. It’s in the same category as the SSH in my not so humble opinion.

I’ve been working on them off-and-on since the comic started because it’s important to make fun of Churchians in the right way. Rory is almost there, after all.

The First Commandment of Churchians is going to be Friday. Tomorrow I’ll have some humor, because there are a lot of odd ways people are making bank and I might be able to inspire a career change for some of you.

In the meantime, if you haven’t seen the comic on Arkhaven go and check it out. The format makes it look even better than on our own site. In fact, Codex has sneaked humor in over the years that I never knew about.

And please, if you are the praying type: A little mention for discipline, wisdom, and comfort right now would be appreciated. Our “life changes” scale has gone parabolic.

–> Codex and Q

Sunday Night Insanity

I thought we’d gone through the worst of it, but no. Moving is insane.

My checkbook cries every night. I keep showing Zillow projections, but it does no good. It has Cash Leprosy. It moans and gyrates in the depths of the dark. My feet echo the pain. Yet workmen keep showing up, doing vital stuff to impress would-be buyers, and I keep greeting them and hoping they’ll take VISA so I can float triple-digit Biden Bucks for the next six weeks.

The market is insane. There are 17 houses in our price range (which is already crazy) right now and each day some turn red (ie offers being considered). There are 40+ pending (meaning offers accepted and closing is proceeding). We aren’t talking national average. We’re talking seven-figure madness. This is good for us. There are more buyers than the market can supply.

Taking the ticket apparently pays way more than we thought, because I can’t imagine spending the money for a house that we’re going to ask for.

I have no regrets, and neither does Codex. She is a rock through this terrifying hurricane of uncertainty. We can certainly use any and every prayer you can offer. We’ll land where He wants.

In the meantime: comics are going to be spotty for another month. We’re prioritizing Arkhaven right now: the audience is much larger than our main website. But we’re going to land, and we’re going to tread forward even if we have to crush a half-acre of blackberries, a quarter-acre of unpainted walls, or seventeen Karens waving threatening chicken feet in masks. Err, the Karens are in masks. Not the chicken feet.

Next comic on Tuesday for sure. It’s scheduled. It needed corrections at midnight last night (yes, I woke up to review it and Codex never slept at all). Now… gotta get a script for Saturday.

Have a baby Tape Henge.

–> Quizzer

Tuesday (Yeah) Comic

Tags

Update: Well, the comic is in the can, but Q pointed out that we need all hands on deck this week while the weather holds. So expect comic posting to be sparse.

Codex here. Sipping bourbon around the bonfire…

We're pro-veg; So we always try to increase our carbon footprint

I could be finishing today’s comic. In a little while, I will be finishing today’s comic…

It's taller than we are

But d’ya see that pile? We have two weeks to get it burned, shredded, and/or composted. So my l33t Manga Studio skills are not nearly as important as my ability¬† to haul, chop, and shred.

I got the death rose (Pleine de grace) pruned, too. So there’s that. MOAR firewood, right?

Not as lethal as Pierrette, but close. The thorns have thorns.

See you tomorrow!

 

 

 

Official Schedule Changes

Given current circumstances we’re announcing an official schedule change. New comics will be Tuesdays and Saturdays. We’ll pump ’em out at 5:00am pacific. I think that’s better than Mon/Fri at noon pacific, but I’m also willing to listen to feedback.

So if you really, superly, supremely object to this, sound off. I’m almost certainly in agreement. But Real Life has interfered in obnoxious ways and that’s the most realistic way we can pump out new comics consistently.

The countdown to 300 continues and the fam is debating about what we should do. Drama WILL ensue…

And holy monkey chowder. 300 comics!

–> Q