#VegetablesForBroccoli: Turned Earth by David the Good

Mild-mannered soil scientist Jack Broccoli is an unlikely candidate for James Bond-esque action hero. But double-digging turnip beds has toned his physique. The Filipino Butcher Masters martial arts exercise video series has honed his warrior mindset. So when Jack is targeted by the sinister agents of F.A.D.A.M., he’s ready:

As he day-dreamed about fighting off a horde of ninjas with a spading fork, Jack suddenly heard a click at the window of the room. Then another, followed by a scratching sound, as if the glass were being cut. Then a piece of glass fell to the carpet, and the window swung open through the curtains.

A man stood in the room with him ….

The man was the same size as Jack, but he had a defensive stance, which made Jack wonder if he was overmatched. Maybe he just came to take the TV. The man said something through the mask to Jack in badly accented English. It sounded like “Ukon wis mao”.

“I’m not sure what you said, “Jack replied, as his eyes darted around the room, looking for something he could use as a weapon. “Do you want to take the TV?” The man shook his head and took a step toward Jack.

“UKONWISMEAOW!” he commanded.

“Yukon whiz meow?”

The man ripped off his mask. He must be Korean, Jack thought, though to his undiscriminating eye, he might also be Japanese, Laotian, Cambodian, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Tibetian, Thai, Indonesian, Chinese, Pacific Islander, or Cherokee.

“You come. With me. Now!”

“Out the window?” Jack said incredulously.

“No, out the door!” the man snapped.

Okay. Maybe not completely ready.

If you read just one hilariously epic gardening spy thriller this year: Read Jack Brocolli #1: Turned Earth.

Addendum: Despite the heavy-duty action scenes and ancillary Bond babe hotness, this is a book you can give to your 14-year-old daughter. Ours loved it.

Feedom

Today’s post features… more mushrooms!

Here we see a familiar-looking mushroom discussing with his fellows why an airline ticket advertised for $59 ends up costing $98. True story!

“It’s all the extra fees,” he explains. “You’ve got the TSA Inquisition Fee, TSA Picture Processing Fee, and the TSA Facebook Exceptions Fee (assuming you don’t want your, er, personal baggage posted to your Facebook page, which happens automatically – fee-free!). You’ve got your Lounge De-Lousing Fee, Garbage Distribution Fee, Restaurant Line-Inspection Fee, and Public Restroom Fresh Mint Check Fee. You’ve got your Upright Tray Hinge Greasing Fee, Emergency Lighting Test Fee, Oxygen Tank Eruption Inspection Fee, and Flotation Device Whistle Analysis Fee. Do you have carry-on bags? Then there is an extra fee, but if you don’t then you’ll need to pony up the Carry-On Bag Fee-Avoidance Fee. Finally, and surprisingly the smallest, is the Fee Collector’s Fee.”

Of course, Codex’s brain would seize up entirely if I asked her to pop all that text into a single frame, so I’d have to pare it down a bit. Our familiar mushroom would sarcastically ask the flight agent, “How about if I just toss you an arm?!” and she’d reply, “You’ll need that on the flight. Otherwise we’ll have to charge you an extra Flapping Fee.”

We hope you’ve enjoyed this post! Now about that Saturday Comic Posting Fee…

— Quizzer