After carefully observing the shenanigans in the political realm for the last week or so, the list of things I believe in has rapidly dwindled down to three:

1. God
2. Michael Medved’s childlike faith in the Republican party
3. A killer robot will be our Vice President

Odd? Hardly. Medved waxes on poetically about how great the Republican party is: it’s always doing the right thing, always has our best interests in mind, and understanding the tactics, players, or cash trails of the geniuses running the cabal is completely beyond the realm of normal, peasantish, humans. Like you and I.

Childlike faith. Quite refreshing, actually.

Oh, you meant the killer robot VP thing? Well, that will take a little explanation. I’ll try to make it as entertaining as possible. We need to start with this video. Pay special attention at the 1:00 and 1:30 minute marks.

In the video, we see the robot marching relentlessly through slippery, rough terrain (the first minute), engaged in menial labor (1:00), being messed with by a hooligan with a hockey stick (1:30), and then the video cuts off. Seems cool and harmless, right? Wrong.

First, this automaton is relentless. Did you notice the uneven terrain and harsh weather conditions that didn’t even slow it down? Slopes won’t stop it. Ditches won’t stop it. These things are like mail carriers, determined to finish any task their processors get stuck on. Unlike human mail carriers, neither snow, nor sleet, nor rain, nor hail will stop them. Maybe, if you find yourself being chased by one, you’ll catch a lucky lightning bolt. For most of us, however, praying to God to save us from a killer robot with a lightning bolt is a 50/50 proposition, at best.

God: Look at that, a human is being chased by a killer robot!
Kaboom! Lightning Bolt!!!
Jesus: You hit the wrong one!
God: Did I, Son? Did I?

At the 1:00 mark it engages in manual labor by gently lifting a box and putting it carefully on a shelf. How can that be dangerous? Ramp the pressure up. Replace the safety pads with spikes. Work the math for yourself. Boom. Two obvious ways, and I’m not even a robotic engineer. I bet they know dozens of ways to turn it lethal. It gets worse.

At about the 1:30 mark a robot-hating sadist starts messing with it via hockey stick. Robotist will soon be listed as a new oppressor class. First, the robot is pushed around with the handle. Then, they interfere with its peaceful box-gathering mission by slapping the box away, mid-grab. Finally, hockey-stick dude ambushes the robot from behind with a cowardly blow to the back of his innocent robot skull.

Notice how slowly the robot pushes himself up, like a pissed-off boxer, gathering his strength and marshaling his rage. The next punch isn’t going to be at his opponent; it will take out the referee (in this case, the camera operator). Then the real fight will begin. Sure enough, the video ends shortly after we see the robot rise.

We didn’t see the robot effortlessly rip the hockey stick from his abuser, pummel him with it Walking-Dead style, decapitate him, and then carefully pick up his head and gently place it on the shelf.

These are not going to be the kind, gentle killer robots we see in movies such as Terminator 2. Stairs are not going to protect us. They’ll be bulletproof and not only equipped with long extension cords, but capable of plugging themselves in to any power source, sucking it dry in seconds to continue on with their destructive rampages. You might get lucky and confuse them by uploading Apple firmware, but I wouldn’t count on it. The robot designers have seen Independence Day, too.

Who are the designers, you ask? A company called Boston Dynamics. Sounds harmless enough, right? They were bought by Google in 2013.

Yes, you may panic now.

Google will make these robots ubiquitous in society, the same way cell phones and internet appliances are today. When spread densely around the globe we’ll experience the Robot Apocalypse. They will be subsidized and incredibly useful. Until they aren’t.

No way, I can hear you yelling sanely at your reading device, I’m way too smart to buy one! Look around your living space. Plenty of stuff and poorly organized storage shelves to hold it, right? For just $200 you’ll have a perfected utility that can carefully pack cube-shaped flotsam in the optimal manner. It will be like adding a whole new junk room to your home. You’ll even have the bragging rights that television has been promising for 60 years when you are first to bring home your new robot maid.

I can feel your resolve fading, but some are still not convinced.

Which companies will not be interested in hiring an army of relentless enforcement robots? Microsoft will have a way to convince everyone to upgrade to Windows 10. Twitter and Facebook will take censorship to a whole new, permanent, level. Apple will use them in their stores to improve customer service. Do we need to talk about helpful government agencies like the IRS and the TSA? We’d all better hope the sensor pads on their crush-happy arms have millinewton-sized adjustments.

You’ll be dealing with killer robots whether you want to or not.

Many people around the country will be voting for our future President today. Let’s say it is eventually President Trump, because it is going to be President Trump. Hated. Reviled. He’ll be assassinated and his Vice President will gain a rapid job promotion. After all, anyone would be better than President Trump, right? Anyone except a killer robot.

Substitute any other candidate running and the exact same logic applies. A killer robot is going to be our next Vice President.

FAQ
Q: The robot pictured doesn’t look human. Will people really vote for one?
A: Yes. The Japanese have made tremendous advancements since the early ’00s. The thing pictured in the video was merely the internals. It’ll be wearing a pretty face, great hair, and an expensive Italian suit. Imagine Milo Yiannopoulos, but with a politically correct skin color. Al Gore was an early prototype. Facial gestures have improved massively since he nearly stole the presidency in 2000.

Q: Is a machine eligible to be Vice President?
A: It depends on what percentage of its parts are made in the USA. Believe me, it will be enough. Neither minor bookkeeping details or an uncorrupted judge will stop it from being declared a natural-born citizen. They’ll even come with birth certificates, which is a much higher standard of proof than anyone needs to become President today.

Q: Is there any good news you can share with us about the killer robots?
A: Yes. Some comedic programmer will put in an Easter Egg.

If (kill-imminent) then
Systems.Face.Set(“JokerFace”);
else
Systems.Face.Set(“CalmReassurance”);

So the last thing you’ll see is the Joker’s face before you die. And that always cracks me up.

So, my fellow Americans, go forth, enjoy your Trumpsday, vote according to your conscience, and relish the next 8 years of a Trump Presidency. In 2024, a killer robot will have enough political experience to attain the Oval Office.

Then the fun will really start.

The Spork Speaks – Tempest in a Teardrop – Quizzer

This column should in no way be construed as an endorsement for any particular candidate, mechanical or otherwise. When we endorse a particular candidate, we’ll do it with all the flair and hyperbole our readers expect!