Make no mistake, the second Trumpslide will happen on Tuesday night. I’m not sure what time it will arrive in your area because I’m not in your time zone. When making calculations, be sure and account for the hour our government is graciously giving back to us on Halloween, because 2020 can’t last long enough.
You’ll want to be prepared, whether you want the Trumpslide to happen or not. This list should get you through any shenanigans that occur on Election Night, as we all wait patiently for the counting to be done. Remember to have everything on hand before Tuesday! There will only be two types of people out and about on voting day: MAGA folks, attempting to mark up their ballots while being beaten by Antifa goon squads; and Antifa goon squads, giving voter education lessons.
It could be a long, stressful night. The election might be close. Look for the news outlets to call ‘blue’ states instantly. Don’t let your stress levels run too high if the polls in the mountain time zone close and Trump still hasn’t been given any states. That’s just the natterburbler class selling ads before their broadcasting licenses are revoked during the God Emperor’s second term.
There will almost certainly be salty vocabulary, either in frustration, or celebration. You can see I’ve already started filling mine. Let’s just say the new WordPress editor isn’t compatible with any known form of blogging and leave it at that.
You’ll want to prepare your celebratory libations ahead of time. Pick something that will either enhance the grin or dull the pain. An ambidextrous solution, as it were. We can’t remember what we bought but it must have been special because we wrapped and labeled it especially for election night [Editor – No, Q bought it and wrapped it; don’t blame me!]. You might want to use a shot glass and imbibe after Trump is announced the winner in a state. We hope you can still pour after 37 shots.
For you younger folks, you’ll want to remember the night with a new tattoo of Melania Trump. We highly suggest you place it somewhere that you like being touched. In years to come, when that special someone gives you that special look and whispers in that special voice, “Hey, can I touch Melania again?” it will make you feel… special.
Some of you Biden supporters might be influencers on Instagram. when Trump is declared your President for the second time, you might think: Nothing signals my righteous rage more than self-harm! We cannot recommend you engage in such an activity! Faking it, though? You’ve probably had some experience with that. You’ll want a dull knife. The best way to dull a knife is to repeatedly scrape it against a Trump supporter’s car or the brick facade of a church. You could even film yourself doing it over the weekend, for extra virtue-signalling content. On election night, work yourself up, shed a few tears, throw in a little ketchup, and wrap your now-gaping wound in a bandage, or even a tourniquet. You’ll get sympathy upvotes for at least a week, possibly until Trump replaces Breyer on the Supreme Court.
Rumor has it that rioting might go on for weeks. Have some extra food on-hand. We’re a spork, a mushroom, and a spork-mushroom-teenage-hybrid. This will last us for at least three weeks, if we ration the coffee. It’s a good thing that scientists have deemed biology as ‘fungible’.
Rioting is likely to come to your neighborhood. If it isn’t your neighbors taking revenge for past indiscretions, it will be Antifa or possibly politicians looking to raid your swear jars for 2022 contributions. Take precautions! Ammo, lasers, baseball bats: we’re not you. As you can see, we’re well-prepared to take on any of the 10th, 12th, or 13th iterations of Dr. Who.
We took a vote and if the 11th Doctor conquers us it’s fine. Matt Smith was a delight.
Sometimes, you just need something practical, useful, and mundane. It was either this or lotion, but Codex isn’t the author so as long as the obstacle can be measured in inches…
Consolation for the Bidenites
We get it. You really, really, really, REALLY wanted Joe Biden to win. The world will end tomorrow morning. That sucks. For you, we mean.
Relax. Get in your car, have a cleansing, raging cry, and post it on social media. It’s been that kind of year. We all understand. We’re there for you. Possibly.
In a few days, you’ll realize you can still bravely fight Nazis and Systemic Racism with corporate America, every media outlet, and most government agencies firmly at your back. They’ve been in charge of the country since forever, and will remain in charge even if President Trump wins a third term in 2024.
Consolation for the Never-Trumpers
There is none.
You’re all pedophists and traitors. When the Pharisee asked Jesus, “Who is my neighbor?” it’s all the people you betrayed because you didn’t like Donald Trump’s tone. When you die, you can explain to God how a vote for the party that denounced God and murdered babies as part of their platform was the Christian thing to do.
Good luck with that.