Category Archives: The Churchians

Punishment.

08 Friday Jun 2018

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Original fairy tales mete out the very best punishments for character flaws.

In The Three Little Pigs the first two pigs import cheap Chinese building materials with which they build their houses. They get eaten by the Great Canadian Wolf, ravenously unhappy with ongoing NAFTA negotiations. The Wolf, thinking the third pig has foolishly imported bricks from Mexico, is eventually trapped in an American-made cast iron pot and is himself devoured. Lesson: Don’t be a glutton. When it comes to bacon, leave the third pig for someone else.

In the original Rapunzel, a nameless Prince climbs the tower using the hair of the woman he loves. As he ponders why he didn’t use the stairs, Dame Gothel leaps forth from behind a curtain:

“Your Rapunzel was rescued not an hour ago by Prince Chad! But I would be thrilled to be your rescue–ee, sweetie!” Wink. Wink. Cackle-Flem-Hack. Big Toothless Grin.

Nameless Prince leaps from the window, landing in a tangle of blackberry bushes. Thinking it will ease the misery of seeing the hideous crone without her makeup, he blinds himself with the thorns. As he staggers off into the wilderness, he now ponders why he didn’t drink a bottle of cheap scotch instead. Lesson: Sometimes the second mouse gets moldy cheese.

The most valuable life-lesson comes from Cinderella – Aschenputtel, in the original German – by the Brothers Grimm. The eldest step-sister (let’s call her “Allison”) has a college education and reads the most fashionable magazines. She knows what she likes, and she likes fancy dresses, fancy shoes, fancy mansions, and flawless maid service. She knows how to coerce others to provide those things for her and she deserves them. Isn’t she the one atop the highest pedestal?

Allison manipulates her mother, her poor migrant step-sister, and the prince  who’s selling expensive glass slippers. The prince negs her by mocking her gigantic cloven hooves. She shows him!  Grabbing an axe, Allison chops off her toes.

“Hah! The fresh blood will provide the lubricant I need to slip these past my misshapen Cuneiform bones!”

It doesn’t. Lesson: If you want to end up completely crazy, go to college.

In the spirit of these old tales, we’ve come up with an old-school punishment for our miscreant cartoon characters: the Weed Killer Stick. We’re not sure what the poor radish in today’s comic did to deserve his suffering, but rest assured it tastes terrible. It is also perfectly safe. Neither the FDA, the EPA, nor CIA would ever approve of a product for use by the public that wasn’t fully tested, vetted, imported, and marketed, would they?

He is also building up his immunity to the poison.

Astute readers may have spotted a contradiction in our Weed Killer Stick. You are clearly not Churchians.

–> Quizzer

The Snottening Strikes Back

14 Monday May 2018

Posted by in Behind the Frames, The Churchians

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I’m not a particularly superstitious spork, but clearly a curse is afoot.

It started in mid-April when The Snottening rampaged through our household. As the sole bastion of health during that incursion, I made sure the cold medications stayed in good supply and the Kleenex-to-trash conveyor belts were oiled up. Squeaky belts are not conducive to sleep when the coughing, sneezing, wheezing, and other assorted biological sounds that accompany a Snottening outbreak are already on the clock.

Oh, to return to those halcyon days…

The first week in May, with perfect Spring weather growing our meadow by at least a foot daily, the mower decided that forward was not a direction it was willing to travel. The last repair place left it in worse shape than when it entered, but it was the only place I could find at the time. You’d think “riding lawnmower repair” would be a thing, but apparently it’s some kind of Illuminati underground cabal working silently in the background. They probably have to dodge assassins in the employ of Big Lawn Care.

Alas, it turned out not to matter. The very next morning I was hit square in the lungs with The Snottening, v2. There are only so many bodily orifices that can produce mucus, but I assure you they were all clogged and thus I was sweating the stuff. By the time it got to my eyes, and no, I’m not making that up, the doctor believed that it might not be viral in nature.

Fast forward four blissful anitbiotic-swallowing days and I’m somehow feeling alive once again. We’re not sure how tall the lawn is, it’s certainly higher than the roof, but we’re now in the process of dowsing for a repair person whose technique involves tools rather than checking fluid levels and alternating bouts of swearing and prayer.

Alas, The Churchians was scheduled to begin on June 4. Not gonna happen. Too many heart attacks, illnesses, and broken machinery got in the way. The new date is July 8. We could probably start on the 1st or 4th, but nobody will be around that weekend. We’ll continue to post as we can. If we resort to an exorcist or a safari expedition to clear a path to the street, we’ll post pictures.

Otherwise, Codex has promised to post the Mother’s Day card Glyph drew for her, which caused some much-needed laughter yesterday afternoon. Look for it sometime later this week.

–> Quizzer

Kuru and the Snottening

02 Wednesday May 2018

Posted by in Behind the Frames, The Churchians

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Everyone here is in various stages of sick, getting over sick, or coming down with sick. We call it “the Snottening”. That may be why Q decided that this new character I wanted to draw should be called “Kuru”.

Well. That and the merch opportunities. Wouldn’t he make a great plushie? You could purchase one and tell everyone, “Hey guys, I have Kuru!”

~ Codex

Feedom

14 Saturday Apr 2018

Posted by in The Churchians, Uncategorized

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Today’s post features… more mushrooms!

Here we see a familiar-looking mushroom discussing with his fellows why an airline ticket advertised for $59 ends up costing $98. True story!

“It’s all the extra fees,” he explains. “You’ve got the TSA Inquisition Fee, TSA Picture Processing Fee, and the TSA Facebook Exceptions Fee (assuming you don’t want your, er, personal baggage posted to your Facebook page, which happens automatically – fee-free!). You’ve got your Lounge De-Lousing Fee, Garbage Distribution Fee, Restaurant Line-Inspection Fee, and Public Restroom Fresh Mint Check Fee. You’ve got your Upright Tray Hinge Greasing Fee, Emergency Lighting Test Fee, Oxygen Tank Eruption Inspection Fee, and Flotation Device Whistle Analysis Fee. Do you have carry-on bags? Then there is an extra fee, but if you don’t then you’ll need to pony up the Carry-On Bag Fee-Avoidance Fee. Finally, and surprisingly the smallest, is the Fee Collector’s Fee.”

Of course, Codex’s brain would seize up entirely if I asked her to pop all that text into a single frame, so I’d have to pare it down a bit. Our familiar mushroom would sarcastically ask the flight agent, “How about if I just toss you an arm?!” and she’d reply, “You’ll need that on the flight. Otherwise we’ll have to charge you an extra Flapping Fee.”

We hope you’ve enjoyed this post! Now about that Saturday Comic Posting Fee…

— Quizzer

Mushroom Week Begins!

02 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by in Behind the Frames, The Churchians

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It’s Monday, and Codex is out of town. She didn’t leave us with nothing, however. We have an extensive collection of hooch drawings!

Here we see an old-timey hooch bottle. The “XXX” denotes booze, not a rating for some kind of adult entertainment. Although liquor is only for adults. If you believe guns should be removed from society, however, then you believe alcohol is for children, too. It simply follows the gun-grabbing logical process, since we can’t criticize children who are trying to nuke the 2nd Amendment but nevertheless vote. And drink, apparently. And in my state, smoke the same exotic herbs those mythical Canadians do, along with the children in the state legislature.

I gave up passive-aggressiveness for Lent. It didn’t stick since I’m not Catholic.

Here we see several bottles of shroomshine with a simple Half-Moon logo. The armed mushrooms are capable of and prepared to not only pop the corks, but enjoy their contents. Note the rightmost figure, arguing passionately for his favorite brand.

I mean, I imagine at least. I’m only the writer, so what do I know?

Notice the little rust-colored guy in back. Amused. Happy. Like the grasshopper in that story about survival and living with the consequences of your actions. He doesn’t believe in arms. He thinks everyone else should shoulder the responsibility of protecting him, and society. Perhaps he’s been sampling the drink on the side, or maybe he is just that foolish. (He might also be 6. — Codex)

They’re mushrooms. We’ll find out in The Churchians. First comic arrives on June 4. Stay tuned for more etchings!

–> Quizzer

Tempest in a Teardrop is Proud to Present…

09 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by in The Churchians

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Tempest in a Teardrop has been our labor of love for nearly three years. We started with lunchbox comics that could entertain a fifth-grade student.

Quizzer: “That’s perfect for the internet!”

We quickly discovered how many mistakes we had made. Then we discovered even more as time went by.

Project Schnapsidee Note 1:  Do a full and proper character design integrating scale and multiple angles.

Note 2: Add small details to flesh out and distinguish each character, then find a way to eliminate them.

Codex: “If you can’t eliminate the details without destroying the vision of the writer, or whatever, simply don’t tell them until the publishing deadline.”

Now that the current comic has wrapped, we’re ready for a short hiatus. That doesn’t mean we’ve stopped making comic strips, however. We are currently working on something new, different, and controversial. We expect to get excommunicated by no less than three social clubs at their regular Sunday morning meetings.

Tempest in a Teardrop is Proud to Present

The Churchians

Comic begins June 1, 2018.

Over the next weeks and months we’ll be revisiting old Tempest in a Teardrop strips. How many secret details did our readers miss? Tons! We have an entire archive of “lost comics” that were never published for one reason or another. We’ll reveal some of them. Did you ever wonder how Codex felt about drawing Scalzi? You’ll find out.

Of course, we’ll mainly be showing new art/characters/developments as The Churchians ramps up.

We know you have a plethora of choices when it comes to entertaining yourself on the internet.

  1. Eating Tide Pods
  2. Reading Tempest in a Teardrop: The Churchians

We are mindfully trying to make that choice extremely difficult for you.

–> Codex & Q